i think im cursed i have never belived anything so much than i belive this.... how can someone be so fucked up like i am, everything i touch everything i do everything i try to do fucks up some how.

i dont now how to cope anymore, how to live each day without wanting it to end. this isnt about maddison it isnt, this is me just plain and simple old me. i have something so seriously wrong with me i cnt even describe it.

i try so hard to make everything perfect, is it a myth that things can be perfect??... i think it is, nothing i have in my life is perfect and its all down to me all of it. my mind fucks everything the way i think the things i belive the things i think are right they are wrong... everything i do seems to explode into little pieces so i can barely see them anymore,

im not copeing very well you now, i do seriously think that i need help, i cant cope like this anymore, i just feel like sometimes that i dont deserve it, i feel like i bring it all on my sef, i feel that its my fault everything is my fault. i now what i think and wat i want but i just cant seem to get it all into the right place...

i just cant see the things that i need to do, i feel like i have changed but i dont, i feel like the thigns that i do i stop, i dont do them anymore but nothing is ever good enough for no one, all i want is to be happy but will i be happpy can i be happy. i dont think so.

ahhhh i am so frustrated always frustrated, my sleeping is shit again, takes me so long to get to sleep but then once i am asleep i dont want to get up, but hay this is wrong, thats all i do is sleep, i dont feel like anyone understands me, i cant say the way i feel to anyone, sometimes i cry out for help but no one listens, have i got to feel like this all of the time to get someone to listen or am i just not good enough and worth it for someone to listen. i dont like saying this is how i truely feel, its not all about loseing the baby its about the way i feel about everything, this is the WAY I FEEL......

all i want to do is say it how i feel it. i want someone to give a shit about me, i dont want the im thinking of u babes.. i want the something is going on you need to sort it out the push but is it only me that see's it am i just a fuck up and no one really truely cares, i dont now but hay ill do as i always do and worry about everyone else, try to live each day with my mouth shut and wake up every morning with a smile attached to my face wake up before 8 oclock and just go each day with the notion of everything is ok.... its not ok im not ok but ill get on with it because no one really gives a shit..........

i just want to sleep sleep is my way of copeing because if your asleep then you just dont have to deal with all the crap...