Really bad blogger!!

omg its the 19th of july 2012, hahahaha my new years resolution didnt really work did it, i think i have proberbly wrote less than what i did last year ;-L o well suppose i better start a fresh hay!!! im finding it quite hard to decide whether to carry on with this blog or to start a new one, i think to myself as i read through the posts i have written in the past and think this is not who i am now, ok maddison will always and i mean always be a massive part of my life but does this blog make me go back to the feelings that have long disappeared, i have grown in the last 2 years and alot in my life is different now, my life no longer feels MY LIFE WITHOUT MADDISON, it feels "MY LIFE!!" now not my life without i proberly feel more so now that she is here with us all than ever before. i often look at harrison and see her in him the way that his hair falls the way his nose points up even tho maddisons nose bless her was a little sqwished but you know what i mean, there lips are so similar :-) you know i dont look at him and think of him as her because he isnt but they have the same genes they are brother and sister they have the same blood. i am so proud of my babies they are my life, i wouldnt know what do without them, maddison is my angel my beautiful little angel and she has made me the person i am today. so this is me for another day ill try not to leave it so long next time but im not promising anything :-) xxx lots of love to everyone who reads this, speak soon x love and miss you baby girl xx

New years resolution x

i have blogged now for nearly 2 years and for some reason still struggle to this day to know what to right sometimes, i know that i want to write but just can not decide what to write about first or how to put it, the past year has been a good year, dont get me wrong there has been ups and downs but nothing like the years we have had. Today life is looking really good, i mean really really good.

we are 11 weeks away from bringing harrison marley sam jacklin into the world, and couldnt be happier, we still think of maddison every single day, i still sit here and imagine what she would look like, or what sort of personality she would have had, but i can not go through life dwelling of what could/should have been. some days are harder than others but i have now more good days then bad days, sometime this makes me sad because i think maybe i should have more bad days than i do, BUT, would i still be here if i had more bad days, would i have what i have if i had more bads days would i be the person i am if i had more bad days? NO i wouldnt and at this point in time i dont want to change things i want things just as they are, we have our 4 beautiful children with us, we have harrison growing bigger and stronger by the day and we have our beautiful angel watching us, makeing us stronger with the love i know she has for us,.

so there i wrote, i am sure i could have wrote more, and i think that its gonna be my new years resolution to write more this year, to involve whoever reads this in my life, my life without maddison,x

we love u baby girl forever and ever and always xxx <3 x

well 22 days away from maddisons 2 years angelversary what a difference xxx

so hey, its the 6th of december 2011 22 days exactly until maddison lisa jacklin would have been 2 years old, i can imagine her as being a naughty, cheeky but angelic 2 year old very cheeky off course, i can imagine her with mid length mousey brown hair, blue eyes a little dot and defently the apple of daddys eye.x but unfortunately things didnt go the way we wished and 2 years down the line we are preparing another birthday without her here with us. we shall go to the same place as last year set up her candles and release her chinese lanterns and get the kids to draw pictures.. x neither of us have or ever will forgotten maddison, we have come to terms defently with the way that our lives have gone, we always imagine her with us, and think of her always. x

and we thank maddison because this year she sent us a very special present, in the shape of a baby brother, at this moment he is growing strong and doing us all proud. 16 1/2 weeks to go until we add harrison marley sam jacklin to our gorgeous family x

part time mum ???

when a couple breaks up after they have children what is the best thing to do for the child, lots of things say equal time with both parents is best for the child, but how comes i dont now anyone apart from me that lets their child/children have equal time with themselves and their exs, does this make me a shit mum, because sometimes it makes me feel awful sometimes it makes me feel like a failure, why do i let my son go every other week why???? i cant even remeber what it was before this arrangement, how do i change it ?? can i change it, i dont think i can and sometimes it makes me feel sick, i should have him more time than i do, i should but why dont i ???

journey

i havent wrote on here for months, i forgot to look at the actual time frame before i began to write but now cnt be bothered to go back and have a look, but i now its been ages.

well what can i say this year even tho it is only nearly may has been up and down just the same as my life has been for the past how many years. some days good, some days bad, some weeks awesome, some weeks awful but hay im still here sometimes i think fuck nows how but i am so just got to get on with it i suppose,

we have had some rough patches were i thought that was it, i mean between me and phil but we still together and to be honest even tho the last week has been absolutely shit we actually stronger than ever. funny hay.

7 weeks ago we decided to get married which off course is awesome, most of it is planned already im quick at things like that cnt leave things to the last minute, dress, bridesmaid dresses, centerpieces, flowers etc etc its going well. were happy its nice to actually feel happy.

i dont really now what to say i now i want to write how i am feeling but dont really now what is right think ill just leave what ive done so far maybe come back to it again soonx

love u baby girl forever and always xx

HATES!!!! the like button.....

why do people always like a pile of shit, why do people always feel the need to sugar coat things, why cnt people just say it how it is the truth the full truth, but then people dont like the fucking truth do they, sometimes it feels like im speaking out loud but when it comes to it its like it was never said, certain people seem to talk but obviously they feel then need to pretend too pretend everything is ok, i would love to beable to say the truth to certain people but no cos im not that much of a fuck up but still it doesnt mean it doesnt need to be said, one day im sure i wont beable to hold it in any longer......

DONT FUCKING LIKE THINGS THAT ARE A PILE OF SHIT.......
TELL THE TRUTH YOU SAY ONE THING MEAN ANOTHER

i think im cursed i have never belived anything so much than i belive this.... how can someone be so fucked up like i am, everything i touch everything i do everything i try to do fucks up some how.

i dont now how to cope anymore, how to live each day without wanting it to end. this isnt about maddison it isnt, this is me just plain and simple old me. i have something so seriously wrong with me i cnt even describe it.

i try so hard to make everything perfect, is it a myth that things can be perfect??... i think it is, nothing i have in my life is perfect and its all down to me all of it. my mind fucks everything the way i think the things i belive the things i think are right they are wrong... everything i do seems to explode into little pieces so i can barely see them anymore,

im not copeing very well you now, i do seriously think that i need help, i cant cope like this anymore, i just feel like sometimes that i dont deserve it, i feel like i bring it all on my sef, i feel that its my fault everything is my fault. i now what i think and wat i want but i just cant seem to get it all into the right place...

i just cant see the things that i need to do, i feel like i have changed but i dont, i feel like the thigns that i do i stop, i dont do them anymore but nothing is ever good enough for no one, all i want is to be happy but will i be happpy can i be happy. i dont think so.

ahhhh i am so frustrated always frustrated, my sleeping is shit again, takes me so long to get to sleep but then once i am asleep i dont want to get up, but hay this is wrong, thats all i do is sleep, i dont feel like anyone understands me, i cant say the way i feel to anyone, sometimes i cry out for help but no one listens, have i got to feel like this all of the time to get someone to listen or am i just not good enough and worth it for someone to listen. i dont like saying this is how i truely feel, its not all about loseing the baby its about the way i feel about everything, this is the WAY I FEEL......

all i want to do is say it how i feel it. i want someone to give a shit about me, i dont want the im thinking of u babes.. i want the something is going on you need to sort it out the push but is it only me that see's it am i just a fuck up and no one really truely cares, i dont now but hay ill do as i always do and worry about everyone else, try to live each day with my mouth shut and wake up every morning with a smile attached to my face wake up before 8 oclock and just go each day with the notion of everything is ok.... its not ok im not ok but ill get on with it because no one really gives a shit..........

i just want to sleep sleep is my way of copeing because if your asleep then you just dont have to deal with all the crap...

gorgeous man xx

i love your daddy so much just wanted to say that xx

snow x

Does it snow in heaven you sit and ask yourself
of course it does mummy lots and lots of snow
you sit and stare at the sparkling flakes as they gently fall to the groud
sent from us angels above sitting on our clouds,
mummy it snows in heaven but we want to send some to you,
we stand together all of us and bounce on the silly stuff to,
it gently falls from our clouds on top of mummy's house,
I see you sitting by the window looking to the skies,
yes mummy that silly soft stuff that you all moan about is sent with lots of love with lots of jumping about.
you see mummy what I want you to do get on your wellies you fluffy warm hat to,
go out on the snow and lay down on the floor looking to the sky like a star splat on the floor
at first move your arms and legs up and down like a wave
stand up and you will see that silly soft stuff has made
a perfect angel just like me.
So yes it does snow in heaven but we do love to share it may cause mayhem and trouble
but its sent from us angels with loving care,
we have on our wellies our warm winter hats silly mittens with strings attached we stand on
our clouds and with a one two three we jump as hard as we can for the snow to free,
gently it falls from our clouds above lands on your house with lots of love
So your question is answered from afar yes mummy it snows in heaven way above the stars.

can i ever be right when it comes to his kids???

can i ever be right when it comes to his kids... will my opion ever count? should i just sit back and not get involved?? i dont now anymore, i dont now what to do, what to say, maybe i should just sit and be quiet then i wont get myself worked up and angry.