well another night off the cold shoulder and thought of how long is this going to be like this for.....

just another day in the life of me great hay.. up and down up and down up and down i feel like im living with a yoyo, i cant say what i want to say and when i do its always wrong, i want to just beable to be honest tell him how i am feeling but nooooooo got to keep it all to myself and live the life that at the minute am hateing, the days that are good are fucking great and the days that are bad are fucking awful, i dont now how to think dont now what to think, dont now what too say so maybe i should just be fucking quiet and say absolutely fuck all.

i hate feeling un wanted i hate feeling worthless i hate thinking thats its all my fault if i do one thing wrong then thats it, im living on a ticking time bomb that already has gone off once but is a waiting game to when its going to go off again.

what do i do... ????

i dont now just want someone to give me the answers, i want him to give me the answers i want him to say this is the way its gonna be i want him to now it all but nope...

is he happy anymore because everytime we do this it makes me feel like he is geting further and further away from me o how 12 hours can change things back to the crappy way that it can be.. how long is this going to last i just want to go more than 2 days of happy us..

o and to top it off we got 2 months left in our house before we got to leave, so thats the 3rd house in 18months and we got 2 months to try and fiind somewhere to live..

like i said this is the life of me........ great aye

just write...

just write says me i have been trying to just write for days now and for me this is weird as i always normally now what to write but for some strange reason i begin to write then delete ???

this past week has been hard to say the least im trying to stay strong and to be honest think i am copeing quite well, i am hanging on i am beginning to talk more to people as have been serverly told off in the last couple of days for holding it all in . i am not superwoman, this i now but sometimes feel like i have to be just to get us through this.

its amazing how something can change your life so quickly, it still amazes me thinking how different i am, we are everything is, how one tiny little lady has changed so much.

the last week or so so much more has changed, i have realised an even newer perspective on life weird hay how can life change much more for me, o it can it defently can.

i miss you so much baby girl and daddy does too, we talk about you more and smile when your name is mentioned the hitting pain i used to get when your name was mentioned doesnt hurt as much now, we went to southend carnival yesterday and i did think off you when we were watching the fireworks, thinking if only you were with us wondeering if you would have liked them as you would have been nearly 6 months old and would have proberbly been amazed at them. not one day goes past when i dont think off you and miss you madly i love you so much just i ask you one thing keep daddy going keep him on the right track he loves you so much i now you are watching him and takeing care of him we love you so much sleep tight baby visit us in our dreams xx

BLANK...

I so want to beable to write today, say exactly how i feel but for some reason just cant.. things are bad things are really bad every part of everything is bad...

just wish you would talk to me......

the one person you are supposed to beable to talk to is your partner true.... right??
well now not in this relationship its not, how should that make me feel, untrusted, uncareing, unloved,???? what? i dont now..

How are we suppose to get through this when we dont talk i talk i can talk till the cows come home but him nope nothing only when he wants to and to be honest to the most strangest people you could imagine him talking too he goes, how can you talk to someone that you dont really now but you cant talk to the mother of one of your children, the woman who you decided to tell everything 3 days into the relationship but now 18 months later no nothing we wont tell me anything all i get is a crappy im ok leave me alone i just wanna be on my own,

what do i do with that if he wants to be on his own what is he doing with me???

i just wish i understood i truely do but how can things get back to a normal stage when he is constantly pushing me away, just wish he would decide what he wants from his life i really do..

does he want me or not am i should be the person he trusts with his thoughts, i can why cant he ???? :-(

miss u diesel x

today i had to get my 8 month old puppy rehomed, he didnt get on with my other dog, to make the discussion which one to get rid of was horrible, i miss him so much already just feels so weird him not being here :-( just want to cry x gonna miss u pups love u millions u r a good dog just need the right place for u hope u dont miss us too much love u xxx :-(

please be a good boy xxx

A whole new person xx

After what seems like a very hard couple of months things i feel are starting to get back to normal, i feel normal, my relatio nship is a nice normal and the kids are normal (lol if that is possible).

i feel different i feel like im embraceing life i feel like i have started a whole new chapter of my life, things are gonna be good i now it.

yesterday was my birthday and i got loads of gorgeous presents i got a new gorg pair of ugg boots and yes the proper ugg boots the type that are neearer to hundred pounds hehehe spoilt bitch lol x also i got a gorgeous bracelet with mum on it from maddison, and a bear that says love you this much x its all gorgeous i loved them all thank u baby

my mum,grandad and kai brought me a lovelinks bracelet and some very special charms to go on it i got a angel charm and a december charm with maddisons birth stone in it also a charm with a flower on it from kai pie that he choose all by himself...

i love it all and to top the day of i had all my favourite people round last night to celebrate my birthday with a few drinkey poos it was awesome had loads of fun xx

thank u all so much love u all xx (piccys to follow ) xx

A new start...xxx

Today after a very painful and scary night i feel so more myself, i have realised that things can and will get better and now i now that they will, i realised what i want from my life and today have decided that today is a new start for us.. my birthday tomorrow and a new year in age and a new yeat and new start for me, so as of today i will be changeing everything the person i have become the person that i was turning into the person i was turning the love of my life into.

A NEW START STRAIGHT FORWARD NO MORE FUCKING ABOUT, DO IT I NOW I CAN AND IM GOING TO THINGS ARE GOING TO BE THE WAY THEY SHOULD BE I PROMISE THIS.. SO FROM NOW ON THIS BLOG IS GOING TO BE MY LIFE MY GOOD LIFE,MY HAPPY LIFE WITH MY SOUL MATE AND THE FOUR KIDS..

WE WILL TRY FOR ANOTHER BABY BUT FOR NOW WILL BE PUT ON HOLD I WILL HAPPEN WHEN IT IS SUPPOSE TO BUT FOR NOW ITS ALL ABOUT US OUR LITTLE FAMILY AS IT IS WE WILL NEVER FORGET MADDISON AND SHE WILL ALWAYS BE APART OF OUR LIVES, BUT FROM NOW I AM GOING TO LOOK AT WHAT SHE HAS GIVEN US AND NOT WHAT WE HAVE LOST,

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH X PHIL, KAI, MADDISON, CHLOE, GRACIE, RYAN FOREVER AND EVER AND ALWAYS XXX

To my soul mate the man of my dreams x

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

im so fucking angry......

MUG.... I MUST HAVE MUG WRITTEN I MEAN INDENTED ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD.... TAKE TAKE TAKE THATS ALLL...............

I NOW THIS IS A QUESTION I ALWAYS ASK .............WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??

ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY THATS ME... IM SO FUCKING ANGRY SO FUCKING ANGRY GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

can you lose happiness.....

can you lose happiness? is it something that you can lose ? is it something that you can get back???

i think i have lost it, silly i now it sounds but i truely feel that i have lost mine, everything and i mean everything gets to me, why do people feel that they can treat me like shit and ill be ok, i am sad really really sad, sometimes i wanna just end it all and get out of this.. i want to be happy again not to let every little thing get too me like i have been kicked when im down, i want to me again i dont feel strong i feel like i have no strength left none what so ever and i want it back i want my life back my old life my happy life where i have it all... i WANT to feel loved again i feel no one loves me sad i now and i now you might be thinking oh my god this woman is so depressing, but i just feel this way i feel unloved and i hurt i always hurt........

i hate the feelings i hate feeling weak i hate feeling sad i hate myself i just hate it hate it hate i want to be me i want my happiness back ............................

Another one bites the dust....

well thats test number 100 (lol) no i mean proberly 11 and still a BIG FAT NEGATIVE.. how o how can i be 2 weeks and 2 days late and still nothing what the hell is going on with me why would my body do this too me.

we both want this so much and its just not happening just a waiting game boooooooooooooo come on pleaseee.....

i WOULD NEVER WANT TO REPLACE HER...

How could anyone think that i would want to replace her, that could never ever be done even if wanted it to. no one understands no one i dont even understand...

but why do people always look at things like there is an alternative meaning i want another baby o that must mean i want to replace my dead daughter..

I am NOT the only mother who has lost a child... I AM NOT THE ONLY MOTHER TO desperatley want a baby,

I AM NOT i now at least 5 people whom are pregnant less than a year since there baby has died .

WHY do people always add things onto things like this. I AM THE ONE WHO WILL DECIDE IF I AM READY.... NO ONE ELSE BUT ME....

IF PEOPLE DONT LIKE IT THEN THEY CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!

they say there is a reason!!

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.

how ANNOYING.....

Ok well its now the 8th august 2010 and still NO period or NO POSITIVE what the hell is going on im now beginnging too lose the hope i have had this past week, i so thought that i was pregnant this time and cant belive they are still NO'S what do i do do i make an appointment with the doctors or again wait untill friday and take another test ???

grrrr why o why is this trying to concieve business sooooo hard ....

feeling a bit better x

lately been feeling alot better i cant quite put my finger on what it is but all i now is that i feel calmer and less anxious. at the beginning of the week i felt awful i could have killed i was that angry but now its friday and im starting to feel myself again. how long will it last ? god only nows.

im still keeping my fingers crossed as im still not on the blob, i dont now if its going to creep up on me and surprise me or if this is the time for us, phil thinks it happened last night but im certain well kind of certain i already am. but after about 7 tests still a BIG FAT NEGATIVE all around.
o well ill wait a week and then ill be going to the doctors and getting checked out, im back to the doctors next friday anyways so will TRY to wait untill then.

Phil is starting to feel a bit better too, which is good im not panicking as much as i was but still he is trying to be too cocky but thats phil so ill just have to put up with it hehehe.. Love you babes xx

kai going to his dads tomorrow am going to miss him so much just hope it doesnt knock me back as it seems too when he is not here, im gonna try so hard. Love you Baby boy x

Worrying alot about my bestie today she is so sad at the minute, i hope everything is ok with her and it all works out back to normal, i hope she still nows that im here for her even if i dont seem too be sometimes lately, love her too bits would be very very lost without her xx love you LADY xxx

Also today summer is beginnig to walk more so hopefully soon will be able to put piccys of her on here i cant wait to see her do it proper hehhehe love you my beautiful god daughterxx

well thats me done for today of to be i go hope everyone is ok ill be back soon xx much love xx

wish my body was normal for once...

how can i be 9-10 days late and taken about 6 pregnancy tests this week and still getting BFN WTF i just dont understand it why would it do this too me its just not fair not even alittle bit fair....

i just want it too say positive i want this so bad we both do i just wish i would either come on my period or it would be kind to me and say yes cmonnnn please ???

late....

its the 5th of august and have not come on, so am late im trying not to get myself to excited but i think that this is going to be easier than i think, i am so hopeing that i am i took a pregnancy test the other day and it was negative, i then woke up in the morning and had another look at it was positive ??? this is just so strange i just want it too come up positive, i am going to wait until the weekend and take another one so fingers so tightly crossed please please please be my time please xxx

.......

fuck fuck fuckidy fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.......................................................

Day at the park x

today the 1st august 2010 you would have been 5 months old if you had been born on your due date. scary hay you maybe would have been sitting up if you were anything like your big brother.

We had a lovely day at the park today all the kids and kerrie and bert and demirose and summer, and jen jen and shannon and kieran, they all played lovely, wish you were here with us, everytime still i see a new baby or a pushchair i think of you, not that i dont think of you every day anyway but these times seem to hit me harder, i imagine you playing with the kids and laughing, and me feeding you and intoducing new foods to you, but this is never going to happen i need to stop thinking like this i think, its hurting more me keep thinking of it this way.

I miss you so much and do think of you every day always. both me and daddy, one day we will be together again and then we will have our day at the park xxxxxxx maddison xxxxxxxx