gorgeous man xx

i love your daddy so much just wanted to say that xx

snow x

Does it snow in heaven you sit and ask yourself
of course it does mummy lots and lots of snow
you sit and stare at the sparkling flakes as they gently fall to the groud
sent from us angels above sitting on our clouds,
mummy it snows in heaven but we want to send some to you,
we stand together all of us and bounce on the silly stuff to,
it gently falls from our clouds on top of mummy's house,
I see you sitting by the window looking to the skies,
yes mummy that silly soft stuff that you all moan about is sent with lots of love with lots of jumping about.
you see mummy what I want you to do get on your wellies you fluffy warm hat to,
go out on the snow and lay down on the floor looking to the sky like a star splat on the floor
at first move your arms and legs up and down like a wave
stand up and you will see that silly soft stuff has made
a perfect angel just like me.
So yes it does snow in heaven but we do love to share it may cause mayhem and trouble
but its sent from us angels with loving care,
we have on our wellies our warm winter hats silly mittens with strings attached we stand on
our clouds and with a one two three we jump as hard as we can for the snow to free,
gently it falls from our clouds above lands on your house with lots of love
So your question is answered from afar yes mummy it snows in heaven way above the stars.

can i ever be right when it comes to his kids???

can i ever be right when it comes to his kids... will my opion ever count? should i just sit back and not get involved?? i dont now anymore, i dont now what to do, what to say, maybe i should just sit and be quiet then i wont get myself worked up and angry.

please help x

i cannot belive that in 13 days it will be a year since i gave birth to our beautiful sleeping angel, a year seems so long sometimes but other days seems like days, we have been talking about maddison alot more lately which is so nice. i miss her so much and as christmas becomes closer i wish so much that she was here with us i wish i was buying her christmas presents i wish she was so amazed by the christmas lights and being a pain by rearranging the tree, but instead of this she isnt here i cannot buy her presents and instead i have to send her things to heaven, i miss her so much it kills me but hopefully she is looking down on us and smileing to see how well we are doing, im so proud of daddy he is doing so well, and im proud of me to as realise now that u r happy and with us all the time, i will always miss you but as everyone said to us days will get easier and you will have more good days than bad. i love you with all my heart xx

i want to say to you please look over little samuels mummy gem and baby brother or sisterand make things perfect for her , also baby hope isabellas baby sister who was born so early and so little just like you please help her grow stronger everyday.

we love you our little princess more than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow and the love for you from us will grown forever and always too infinty and beyond x

<3 xx

im sorry ...

Right well i now awhile back i kinda promisd not to keep ranting but im getting sooooo fucking pissed off with the fact we cant get pregnant what the fuck is going on, we are trying so hard but its just not happened, godddddddddd how hard is it have sex get pregnant grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr everyone else is pregnant aprt from me (well ok not just me but it feels likeit sometimes) im just loseing the will to belive why is this not happeneing i have had enough of this ..........................

I HATE TTC..................FACT

37 days and its been a year x

in 37 days it has been a year since we lost you baby girl, everyday at the beginning gelled into one and to be honest i dont like to think of it much, it makes me sad bringing back the sadness that we all felt the days, weeks, months after we lost you, on the 27th december the day we found out your heart had stopped changed our lives forever, on the 28th december the day you were born was the first and last time we held you and if i had one wish it would be to go back to that day and hold you again, i would hold you and never let you go. i miss you so much and wonder all the time what you would look like what you would look like, if you would be walking and i like to viualise you playing with your brothers and sisters and demirose and summer. i wish i could go back to those last days before we lost you i would have changed things i would have been more aware of your movements but i cnt so i cant let myself blame myself for things that i cant change i just now the next time we are blessed to get pregnant again i will be more cautious and aware of the things that i failed you on.

you are and always will be my beautiful baby girl my first daughter and the love i have for you no other child that i bare will have that same love. i miss you every minute of everyday and wish you were here with us xx

love you forever and ever and always to infinty and beyond xxx

friends x

Since loseing maddison the friends i had before have grown closer to me, even closer to be honest. my best friend kerrie who was there to see my baby girl be born to hold her and love her like she will always.

since loseing maddison i have found new friends and these friends i grow closer to everyday, my friend gem who unfortunately has gone through the same as me loseing her beautiful baby boy samuel on the 4th july 2010,

these friends i hold close to my heart forever and always and will be there for them forever and alwaysx

i just wanted to say thank u thank u for being there for me thank u for holding me when i cry, thank u for being there when i need to talk, thank u for everything i love you all with all my heart forever and always xx

baby samuel x

Today my friends gem and rob chapman should either be days away or have there baby boy samuel but unfortuntely samuel lost his fight on the 4th july 2010, samuel was very very poorly.

i thgink about gem and rob and their family alot and it has hit me more than i ever thought it would, it has brought back feelings that i havent had for along time, i feel sad and miss my baby and think how close her 1st birthday is, i just have no energy to do anything and i havent been like this for such a long time.

im not going to write much today as i dont want to start myself off again all i want to say is im always thinking of you gem and rob and baby samuel fly high and play happily in the clouds and be happy with my girl x

r.i.p baby samuel x
love you forever and always maddison
<3 xxx x

could cry a million tears today xxx

"One Sweet Day"

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
Alive

[Chorus:]
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Darling I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared

[Chorus]

Although the sun will never shine the same again
I'll always look to a brighter day
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

[Chorus]

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say

mummy is sad today havent had a day like this for along time i just want to cry i feel awful i just want to sit her and cry i feel so sad i love you so much my precious girl i just want you here i dont feel like a mum, your not here and every other week kai isnt here i want to be a proper mum :-( xx
miss u so much xxx

7th november 2010 x

well hello everyone, i have been trying to write on here for ages i have been coming on writing then deleting writing then deleting, its weird i want to write but just cnt find the words on what i want to say but tonight i thought bugger it im gonna do it (hopefully),

so as u all now from my last blog we have moved and the house is awesome it is getting there quite fast its looking gorgeous, the kids absolutely love it and so do we i just cnt wait for it to be finished.

i dreamt about maddison for the first time the other week and it was awesome she was about 3 and we were watcing her do ballet she had light brown curly hair and was gorgeous :-) then i dreamt bout her agin this time she was a baby we knew that she was going to die but she was breathing and we were just watching her breathe and she opened her eyes it was an awesom dream just wish i could have dreamt longer, x love u so much baby girl x

not long now till maddisons birthday and im really not looking forward to it, i dont want it to rule chrismtas if u now what i mean i want to celebrate not mourn,.

we are 10 and half months into our journey and still no baby bump, everyone is haveing babies and we arent i juat hope that now we are settled it will happen for us i just cnt see myself pregnant agin weirds hay i hope its not a sign as i wan tit to happen so badly we both do now x

well thats me for today im signing out i just want to say love you forever and ever and always baby girl i truely do miss u so much and wish u were here everyday x

love u my 4 other beautiful babys and my gorgeous man x

27th october 2010 00:05 moving day xxx

Well today at 5 past midnight is moving day... YES moving day wooooo hoooooo we got our house, a lovely 2 bedroom house with gargen and shed in kimbolton, its loverly well will be when its all decorated thanks to phil hehehe, x so im writing today to fill you in as not sure if will be able to get on the internet for a while.

things going well thank goodness at last so for now as i am soo tired im signing out wont be for long just for now, i will diary my time then write it all in when we are back and running with internet.. so for now love you all

Love u maddison forever and ever and always, to infinty and beyond xxx love u mummy and daddy xxxxx

Emotional x

Today i feel emotional havent felt like this in a while, i am trying hard to keep it locked away inside but it is fighting its way through slowly, dont now why today i feel like this but all i now is that i just do.

missing maddison very much today, been thinking about her loads everything just seems to remind me of her, not that i dont think bout her everyday but just today seems alot more, i was looking at the kids earlier and just imagined her in a baby seat in the back but its not there it will never be there, its so sad.

just wish i could go back to the day i had her and have one last cuddle and one last kiss, miss her alot, but i now she is ok with my 2 nans and my cousins andf phils sister , they are looking after her i just now it,

but hay im not going to let myself be dragged down by this, i just felt i needed to write today x

mummy loves you baby girl xx forever and ever to infinty and beyond xx

feeling angry.... x

feeling angry tonight, feeling frustrated seen to many babies and pregnant ladys to last me a life time thank you very much, hate the fucking hospital but hay as phil just loves it there have to go every now and again lol.

so 9 months and 1 week since we lost maddison and about 8 months and 3 weeks of ttc and still a big fat no.... doing my sweed in to be honest but hay just tonight its got to me like this .... just thought id rant on here and hopefully the annoying feeling will go as i got it out ...

pfffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu breath.......10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 exhale x kool im done heheh x

love u baby girl forever xx

oh yeh just to add today i lost 5.5lb last week at slimmers world wooop woop me heheheh xsee if we can do it this week heheh x

peace out love to all x

A new beginning of weight loss x

well today i am starting my transformation again, earlier this year when i lost maddison i lost 2 stone and was although mourning i was very happy with the way my body looked, now not so much i have put back on nearly all the weight i lost and the time has come to say goodbye to it again, a very good exercise reigme is going to begin and haveing a chef as a partner is going to make things very esy heheh, also doing this with my best friend will make it easier on both of us, so by christmas i will be putting up a picture of me and my keggy and saying hello to the world of the new us x come on girlie we can do this love you millions xxxx

24th september 2010 x

i havent wrote on here for a while, im not quite sure why but hay, its been a long month its been a good month, we are now at the 24th september, again around the blob date and agin it has come and gone and still nothing bit annoying really but hay getting quite used to it, i tested on monday but it was as usual a big fat NO gonna re test tomorrow cos i suppose u never now, feel alot happier in myself and our relationship feels like it did when we first got together, it has been brilliant to be honest really lovely, x I now i say it but i so hope this is the month would be such a fantastic feeling to now we finally got there it would just seriously top it all off for us would be awesome, but hay if not then its no biggy we shall just keep on trying its all fun heheheh x well just a little one tonight as i am knackered and really need to go to sleep x lots of love and kisses xxx night my beautiful girl loves u forever and ever and always xxx

15th septemeber x

ok so am likeing the way i am feeling at the moment and am hopefull that things are getting fabulous... i feel so so different about everything at the minute, have been of the meds for a month and feel like a different person, things are going well with the houseing situation, got our band and they gave us a 2 bedroom its not a 3 but hay its only weekends and i truely think that we gonna be well happy in our new house when we eventually get given it hehee, xx

not gonna ramble today but things are looking brighter, thank goodness, hopefully soon they will be fabuluouly better xxx

love to all xx
i love u my babies all of you x<3<3xxx

banggggggggggggggggggggggggg

bang bang bang bang i should just bang my fucking head against a brick wall it would so hurt less grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr here comes the anger again i hate i i hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11th september 2010x

First of all i would like to say that i am thinking of all the people who lost there lives in september 11th 2001, it has been 9 years since this happened and each year it hits me just the same as it did the day it happened watching the footage from that day still puts a massive lump in my throat. i think about all the people who lost there lives and of all the families who lost loved ones of that tragic day x R.I.P XX YOU ALL WILL ALWAYS BE IN OUR HEARTS X

so today is the 11th sept and i havent wrote on here for a few days, things seem to be looking up, it has been a calm chilled week with less arguements and more cuddles, we have talked this week and cried this week and remebered, we have talked about the future our future and are hopefull about the future and what it has to bring us x

i feel alot more happier lately i feel less stressed and angry, well thats apart from havong a blady cast on lol thats what i get for punching a reinforeced door i suppose, wont be doing that again lol x

well we got about 6 weeks untill we are homeless so fingers tightly crossed that we can get a house before this time i so hope so i think we need a break and this would omg so be a new fresh start for us it would take so much stress from us it would be such bliss,

well im signing out as i am getting cramp in this stupid arm hehe xnight all sleep tight xxx

mwahhhhh xxx

A LITTLE BIT OF GOOD XXXXXXXX

its the 8th of september o my god how fast has this year gone, even tho at times it has felt like it has gone on forever and ever and ever.
so much has happened this year this will defently be a year once it has finished this year will be forgotten... it will be locked in a box and locked and burnt, 2010 was supposed to be our year but has turned into the year where i nearly lost everything including myself, this begining of the year i lost my beautful baby girl, i have lost 2 houses, nearly lost the man of my dreams on more than one occation and nearly very nearly lost myself.

this year has been bad very bad, only things can only get better right. well i hope so i truely do hope so.

i so want to write positive i want to write all the good things but i am finding it very hard to think of all the good that has come from this year, i have met many friends through this year dear friends who have helped me through the bad times,

i have found a new love for my best friend a love which i didnt thinki could love her anymore than i already did but have realised that i can and have, this friend this special friend who will be with me through the rest of my life has kept me goign she has been through everything with me everything, i love her to the moon and back and always always will.. love u kez x

i have found that the love i have for phil has been made stronger through all the bad times, there has been so much that could have easily of dragged us apart but 8 months 1 week and 3 days after loseing our first baby together we are still together and our relationship is starting to rebuild, we have had our very low times and have struggled through some days and weeks but we still have each other and can and will get stronger i will love him forever and we will when the time is right go on to have another beautiful baby together x we will always love maddison and there will always be a massive hole where she should be but!!! she will always be with us no matter where we are she will keep us strong and keep us together and will guide us to the right path x mummy and daddy love you forever and ever and always to infinty and beyond xx sleep tight baby girl xxx

My little man started his first day at big school on the 2nd of september and he is loving it, he looks so smart in his uniform it just doesnt look right bless him, he is makeing friends and finding it easier to leave us in the mornings, i do miss him terrible when he is not here wish i could have them all here with us full time, x i love you mummys beautiful boy you are growing so big and so fast love you forever and ever and always thissssssssssssssss muchh xxx hehehx

gracie also starts big school this week bet she is so looking forward to being a big girl, she is also growing so fast i look at her sometimes and think o my god you have changed so much since we first met, me and daddy where talking about you last night and we both said how much you remind us of your baby sister, i see her in you so much she would have been just like you i think but just obviously with more of me hehehe love you little princess xxxx

Chloe well what can i say about this one lol she is 8 going on 18 hehe a teenager already just without the double digits lol xshe has the attitude already and to be honest i absolutely adore it i love the attitude it is so what it should be i love that she is so independant. i look at her and hope that if we have a little girl thats exactly what i want our baby to be like she is awesome x love you chloe loe xxxxx

and well ryan and typical mummys boy lol he is a typical only boy child in a family of all woman he although changing and becoming alittle bit of daddy he is mental a typical skank lol does not care about anything, he is the messiest child of 3 that i now you now exactly where he has been hehehe love him to bits though loves you ryan xxxxx

theres my kids although they not all biologically mine they sure do feel like it when they are here just wish they could be here all the time do miss them like mad when they all are gone x

and then there will be baby 6 hopefully a mixture of us both me and phil and a little bit of each child chucked in there too but until the time is right we will jsut dream of our 6th child phils 5th my 3rd and our 6th until that day i am well happy with what ive got xxxx

so there is my blog for today a little bit of good in here <3 xx love you all x

LOVE X

im sitting here in stareing into the lake as im with daddy fishing, i love times like this were i can sit and reflect on the life that i have been given, times like this were there is no sound apart from the wind blowing and the music in the background that reminds me of you. as you now baby girl as you see evrything from your bright star things havent been easy of late, i just wanted to let you now that we do love you so very much and we always will both have that hole where you should be, the hole of all the things you were meant to fill. we miss you so much every single minute of every day.

mummy and daddy are fighting to keep things the way they should be we are fightimg to keep going and we are going to keep going for all 5 of you.

i just wanted to write today that i love you all so much forever and ever and always to infinty and beyond xxx

my heart is breakng all over again ..

i have tried to get phil to read this for the past 4 months that i have been writing it but havent had much luck apart from a few times at the begging, on this day one of the worst days of my life would just love him too read it too see how the last so many months i have struggled but have got there how much love i have for him how much i care for him and want him to be happy.. i would love him to understand how i feel about him, as much as he frustrates me sometimes to the point were i could kill him i would die for him and always will. he is the man i want to spend the rest of life with he is the man i want to die old with, he is the man i want to share my worries with the man i want to cry with be happy with hold until i cant hold him anymore. all i want him to knoe is that i love him with all my heart and this will never change he and always will be the father of my beautiful angel and i thank him for giving me her, i thank him for the past 18 months although we unfortunately have had more ups than downs but this is not due to us not trying our asses of to try and strive for a better life,

i hope he nows that i tried so so hard to keep our relationship going to keep the spark there forever, i hope i have never shown him hatred because this is one thing i have never felt for this wonderful man. i thank him for giving me 3 beautiful step children to love and i will always even if we do not meet again i will miss them terribly and miss them until the day i die.

i thank him for showing me love and showing me when all was so good that this is what life is meant to be. i thank him for the dreams of a long life together a happy life a life where i was safe from everything, i thank him for making me feel safe..

we have many memories my beautiful man and i will miss you dearly more than you now and will ever understandit breaks my heart to think well to now that i will have to say goodbye to you i never ever since meeting you ever thought in my heart that i would ever lose you that i would ever have to say goodbye.

all i ask is that you find the strength to bring that man i now you are and can be bring him back and you will do fine.. i am so sorry that i fsailed you and didnt do enough to keep you safe. i love you more than words can ever say more than any song more than any love film more than the strongest love in the world. i belive and always will belive that you are my soul mate, we made a beautiful baby girl and had a love so strong i am just so sorry and heartbroken that this love has gone.

when you think of maddison stay strong for her she wouldnt want you to find her this soon live your life be happy and maybe one day we will meet again and things may be different .

i will miss you and will love you forever and ever and always too infinty and beyond xxxxx

think i am gonna find this harder than i originally thought...............:-( why wasnt it me ?????

i love you x

last couple of weeks i have found it really really difficult to write what is on my mind.. it kinda feels like i have gone blank.

it has been such an awful couple of weeks with so many downs i quite surprised im still here. i now that sounds stupid as i would never do anything to that extreme but i am finding it quite difficult, i am finding it hard as i dont now what to do for the best, i feel like im making it worse i feel that im not helping but all i want to do is help..

i hate seeing him so sad i hate seeing him hurting i hate it i just want to help him more than anything in the world..
just wish he would tell me what to do x

i love you

I love you like the sun in the sky
Or maybe how a bird is destined to fly
Even more than a mother loves her child
Or all the animals running in the wild

A pedal to a rose
And everyone knows
It's more that just love
Soring around like a white turtle dove

Tears for joy and tears for pain
It's like standing out in the hot summer rain
It's more than the sound of your sweet gentle name
More than a predetor loves its game

Words can't sum up the way that I feel
But I'll definetly say
These feelings are real
And as Sent from above
Im here to give you my undying love

So in closing my dear
I pray I've made it rather clear
You mean everything to me
My sweet heart can't you see
I can't get enough of your endless touch
Oh my sweet baby, I love you so much!

well another night off the cold shoulder and thought of how long is this going to be like this for.....

just another day in the life of me great hay.. up and down up and down up and down i feel like im living with a yoyo, i cant say what i want to say and when i do its always wrong, i want to just beable to be honest tell him how i am feeling but nooooooo got to keep it all to myself and live the life that at the minute am hateing, the days that are good are fucking great and the days that are bad are fucking awful, i dont now how to think dont now what to think, dont now what too say so maybe i should just be fucking quiet and say absolutely fuck all.

i hate feeling un wanted i hate feeling worthless i hate thinking thats its all my fault if i do one thing wrong then thats it, im living on a ticking time bomb that already has gone off once but is a waiting game to when its going to go off again.

what do i do... ????

i dont now just want someone to give me the answers, i want him to give me the answers i want him to say this is the way its gonna be i want him to now it all but nope...

is he happy anymore because everytime we do this it makes me feel like he is geting further and further away from me o how 12 hours can change things back to the crappy way that it can be.. how long is this going to last i just want to go more than 2 days of happy us..

o and to top it off we got 2 months left in our house before we got to leave, so thats the 3rd house in 18months and we got 2 months to try and fiind somewhere to live..

like i said this is the life of me........ great aye

just write...

just write says me i have been trying to just write for days now and for me this is weird as i always normally now what to write but for some strange reason i begin to write then delete ???

this past week has been hard to say the least im trying to stay strong and to be honest think i am copeing quite well, i am hanging on i am beginning to talk more to people as have been serverly told off in the last couple of days for holding it all in . i am not superwoman, this i now but sometimes feel like i have to be just to get us through this.

its amazing how something can change your life so quickly, it still amazes me thinking how different i am, we are everything is, how one tiny little lady has changed so much.

the last week or so so much more has changed, i have realised an even newer perspective on life weird hay how can life change much more for me, o it can it defently can.

i miss you so much baby girl and daddy does too, we talk about you more and smile when your name is mentioned the hitting pain i used to get when your name was mentioned doesnt hurt as much now, we went to southend carnival yesterday and i did think off you when we were watching the fireworks, thinking if only you were with us wondeering if you would have liked them as you would have been nearly 6 months old and would have proberbly been amazed at them. not one day goes past when i dont think off you and miss you madly i love you so much just i ask you one thing keep daddy going keep him on the right track he loves you so much i now you are watching him and takeing care of him we love you so much sleep tight baby visit us in our dreams xx

BLANK...

I so want to beable to write today, say exactly how i feel but for some reason just cant.. things are bad things are really bad every part of everything is bad...

just wish you would talk to me......

the one person you are supposed to beable to talk to is your partner true.... right??
well now not in this relationship its not, how should that make me feel, untrusted, uncareing, unloved,???? what? i dont now..

How are we suppose to get through this when we dont talk i talk i can talk till the cows come home but him nope nothing only when he wants to and to be honest to the most strangest people you could imagine him talking too he goes, how can you talk to someone that you dont really now but you cant talk to the mother of one of your children, the woman who you decided to tell everything 3 days into the relationship but now 18 months later no nothing we wont tell me anything all i get is a crappy im ok leave me alone i just wanna be on my own,

what do i do with that if he wants to be on his own what is he doing with me???

i just wish i understood i truely do but how can things get back to a normal stage when he is constantly pushing me away, just wish he would decide what he wants from his life i really do..

does he want me or not am i should be the person he trusts with his thoughts, i can why cant he ???? :-(

miss u diesel x

today i had to get my 8 month old puppy rehomed, he didnt get on with my other dog, to make the discussion which one to get rid of was horrible, i miss him so much already just feels so weird him not being here :-( just want to cry x gonna miss u pups love u millions u r a good dog just need the right place for u hope u dont miss us too much love u xxx :-(

please be a good boy xxx

A whole new person xx

After what seems like a very hard couple of months things i feel are starting to get back to normal, i feel normal, my relatio nship is a nice normal and the kids are normal (lol if that is possible).

i feel different i feel like im embraceing life i feel like i have started a whole new chapter of my life, things are gonna be good i now it.

yesterday was my birthday and i got loads of gorgeous presents i got a new gorg pair of ugg boots and yes the proper ugg boots the type that are neearer to hundred pounds hehehe spoilt bitch lol x also i got a gorgeous bracelet with mum on it from maddison, and a bear that says love you this much x its all gorgeous i loved them all thank u baby

my mum,grandad and kai brought me a lovelinks bracelet and some very special charms to go on it i got a angel charm and a december charm with maddisons birth stone in it also a charm with a flower on it from kai pie that he choose all by himself...

i love it all and to top the day of i had all my favourite people round last night to celebrate my birthday with a few drinkey poos it was awesome had loads of fun xx

thank u all so much love u all xx (piccys to follow ) xx

A new start...xxx

Today after a very painful and scary night i feel so more myself, i have realised that things can and will get better and now i now that they will, i realised what i want from my life and today have decided that today is a new start for us.. my birthday tomorrow and a new year in age and a new yeat and new start for me, so as of today i will be changeing everything the person i have become the person that i was turning into the person i was turning the love of my life into.

A NEW START STRAIGHT FORWARD NO MORE FUCKING ABOUT, DO IT I NOW I CAN AND IM GOING TO THINGS ARE GOING TO BE THE WAY THEY SHOULD BE I PROMISE THIS.. SO FROM NOW ON THIS BLOG IS GOING TO BE MY LIFE MY GOOD LIFE,MY HAPPY LIFE WITH MY SOUL MATE AND THE FOUR KIDS..

WE WILL TRY FOR ANOTHER BABY BUT FOR NOW WILL BE PUT ON HOLD I WILL HAPPEN WHEN IT IS SUPPOSE TO BUT FOR NOW ITS ALL ABOUT US OUR LITTLE FAMILY AS IT IS WE WILL NEVER FORGET MADDISON AND SHE WILL ALWAYS BE APART OF OUR LIVES, BUT FROM NOW I AM GOING TO LOOK AT WHAT SHE HAS GIVEN US AND NOT WHAT WE HAVE LOST,

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH X PHIL, KAI, MADDISON, CHLOE, GRACIE, RYAN FOREVER AND EVER AND ALWAYS XXX

To my soul mate the man of my dreams x

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

im so fucking angry......

MUG.... I MUST HAVE MUG WRITTEN I MEAN INDENTED ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD.... TAKE TAKE TAKE THATS ALLL...............

I NOW THIS IS A QUESTION I ALWAYS ASK .............WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??

ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY THATS ME... IM SO FUCKING ANGRY SO FUCKING ANGRY GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

can you lose happiness.....

can you lose happiness? is it something that you can lose ? is it something that you can get back???

i think i have lost it, silly i now it sounds but i truely feel that i have lost mine, everything and i mean everything gets to me, why do people feel that they can treat me like shit and ill be ok, i am sad really really sad, sometimes i wanna just end it all and get out of this.. i want to be happy again not to let every little thing get too me like i have been kicked when im down, i want to me again i dont feel strong i feel like i have no strength left none what so ever and i want it back i want my life back my old life my happy life where i have it all... i WANT to feel loved again i feel no one loves me sad i now and i now you might be thinking oh my god this woman is so depressing, but i just feel this way i feel unloved and i hurt i always hurt........

i hate the feelings i hate feeling weak i hate feeling sad i hate myself i just hate it hate it hate i want to be me i want my happiness back ............................

Another one bites the dust....

well thats test number 100 (lol) no i mean proberly 11 and still a BIG FAT NEGATIVE.. how o how can i be 2 weeks and 2 days late and still nothing what the hell is going on with me why would my body do this too me.

we both want this so much and its just not happening just a waiting game boooooooooooooo come on pleaseee.....

i WOULD NEVER WANT TO REPLACE HER...

How could anyone think that i would want to replace her, that could never ever be done even if wanted it to. no one understands no one i dont even understand...

but why do people always look at things like there is an alternative meaning i want another baby o that must mean i want to replace my dead daughter..

I am NOT the only mother who has lost a child... I AM NOT THE ONLY MOTHER TO desperatley want a baby,

I AM NOT i now at least 5 people whom are pregnant less than a year since there baby has died .

WHY do people always add things onto things like this. I AM THE ONE WHO WILL DECIDE IF I AM READY.... NO ONE ELSE BUT ME....

IF PEOPLE DONT LIKE IT THEN THEY CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!

they say there is a reason!!

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.

how ANNOYING.....

Ok well its now the 8th august 2010 and still NO period or NO POSITIVE what the hell is going on im now beginnging too lose the hope i have had this past week, i so thought that i was pregnant this time and cant belive they are still NO'S what do i do do i make an appointment with the doctors or again wait untill friday and take another test ???

grrrr why o why is this trying to concieve business sooooo hard ....

feeling a bit better x

lately been feeling alot better i cant quite put my finger on what it is but all i now is that i feel calmer and less anxious. at the beginning of the week i felt awful i could have killed i was that angry but now its friday and im starting to feel myself again. how long will it last ? god only nows.

im still keeping my fingers crossed as im still not on the blob, i dont now if its going to creep up on me and surprise me or if this is the time for us, phil thinks it happened last night but im certain well kind of certain i already am. but after about 7 tests still a BIG FAT NEGATIVE all around.
o well ill wait a week and then ill be going to the doctors and getting checked out, im back to the doctors next friday anyways so will TRY to wait untill then.

Phil is starting to feel a bit better too, which is good im not panicking as much as i was but still he is trying to be too cocky but thats phil so ill just have to put up with it hehehe.. Love you babes xx

kai going to his dads tomorrow am going to miss him so much just hope it doesnt knock me back as it seems too when he is not here, im gonna try so hard. Love you Baby boy x

Worrying alot about my bestie today she is so sad at the minute, i hope everything is ok with her and it all works out back to normal, i hope she still nows that im here for her even if i dont seem too be sometimes lately, love her too bits would be very very lost without her xx love you LADY xxx

Also today summer is beginnig to walk more so hopefully soon will be able to put piccys of her on here i cant wait to see her do it proper hehhehe love you my beautiful god daughterxx

well thats me done for today of to be i go hope everyone is ok ill be back soon xx much love xx

wish my body was normal for once...

how can i be 9-10 days late and taken about 6 pregnancy tests this week and still getting BFN WTF i just dont understand it why would it do this too me its just not fair not even alittle bit fair....

i just want it too say positive i want this so bad we both do i just wish i would either come on my period or it would be kind to me and say yes cmonnnn please ???

late....

its the 5th of august and have not come on, so am late im trying not to get myself to excited but i think that this is going to be easier than i think, i am so hopeing that i am i took a pregnancy test the other day and it was negative, i then woke up in the morning and had another look at it was positive ??? this is just so strange i just want it too come up positive, i am going to wait until the weekend and take another one so fingers so tightly crossed please please please be my time please xxx

.......

fuck fuck fuckidy fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.......................................................

Day at the park x

today the 1st august 2010 you would have been 5 months old if you had been born on your due date. scary hay you maybe would have been sitting up if you were anything like your big brother.

We had a lovely day at the park today all the kids and kerrie and bert and demirose and summer, and jen jen and shannon and kieran, they all played lovely, wish you were here with us, everytime still i see a new baby or a pushchair i think of you, not that i dont think of you every day anyway but these times seem to hit me harder, i imagine you playing with the kids and laughing, and me feeding you and intoducing new foods to you, but this is never going to happen i need to stop thinking like this i think, its hurting more me keep thinking of it this way.

I miss you so much and do think of you every day always. both me and daddy, one day we will be together again and then we will have our day at the park xxxxxxx maddison xxxxxxxx

agggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats all i have to say roll on a new day ....

why does it just keep coming back?

why does the hurt always find its way back through, i have a couple of okish days then bam the numbness comes back the anger comes back, i find myself getting annoyed with everything, i wanna be nasty and say things that will hurt others, i wanna just be alone i want to be on my own, i hate this i hate being on my own i hate it but this is all i want to do, i dont want to see anyone be with anyone look after anyone just wanna sleep and get through each day.

i want this feeling to go why wont it go ???

how long is this gonna take when am i going to be me again when, thats all i want to know ?

how??

how can you be 5 days late and not be pregnant taken 2 tests this week and still NEGATIVE but still not come on, why is my body so weird annoying or what, u wait ill come on next week and thats my period changed again why cnt my body be normal for me?? o well no nokey for 4 weeks lets try again in september give myself a break from the hopeing i suppose xx

xxx maddison xxx

soup...

soup what a title :-) but at this minute at this time just seemed like a good one, poor daddy went and had his operation this week and came out all better, well i wouldnt say better i would say in a lot of pain but the problem is better, the only thing now that is all daddy can eat is soup, it can be chicken soup, tomato soup, oxtail soup, soup soup soup hehehe.

the doctor told us its like retraining, retraining like a baby, start small and very watery and then build up to little lumps, then so on and so on. i feel so mean for him i dont want to eat, i went out last night and brought the most rankest microwave meals so that he wont fancy them hehehe.

just want daddy to be back to his normal self, well i would very much like it if he didnt fart as much buttttt i think to be honest its only gonna get worse hehehe.. but hay ill deal with it lol..

get well soon babes love u so much xxxx maddison xxxx

daddys ok x

Went to get daddy from the hospital today after his operation, he is being so strong just like normal, thank you for watching over him, im so happy he is here at home again, we both love u so much baby girl forever and ever and always to infinty and beyond xx

is there a certain way too feel ?

Is there a certain way to feel when something this awful happens, i heard a saying once:

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is .

this is so so true on so many levels there are just no words that can exxpress this, since loseing maddison i have spoken to many different woman who also have lost a child, some even have lost more than one child, some have lost a child months after they were born, some the same as us and lost there baby before they were due..

these are all different feeling, no one feels the same as the next person, we are all different, how can you comfort someone when it comes to this. what do you say

my close friend lost her beautiful baby boy 3 weeks ago, me and gem have only known each other a short while but i feel have grown very close, when gem lost samuel i didnt know what to say, i myself went through this only 6 months ago but just didnt now what to say to comfort her without her thinking that i was being out of order, we speak and have done so since her loss but no one nows what too say to any of us, we dont now what we want people to say to us,

because like i said everyone is different, we all grieve different we all look at this different.

Me and my friend bridie who too lost her beautiful little girl erin, used to joke. on facebook as you all now has a private chat section, we used to say everyone keeps asking me how i am, bridie being the sarcastic funny loveing person she is used to joke i just wanna say "IM FUCKING SHIT THANKS" we got to the point where we would speak but not under any circumstance ask how each of us were, well we tried but it always used to get there, "HEHEHE LOOK AT US" we used to say "WE HAVENT ASKED HOW WE ARE" :-) BUT!!! if people didnt ask how would we feel, i would have felt why are you not asking me how i am, everyone has forgotten about her, but i didnt want people to ask me!!! strange hay its just awful you just dont now how to feel.

I would not wish this on my worst enemy and some people i can safely say that i hate them, but this is a numbing pain that no one should ever feel no one, this is just not how things should be.

Children are not supposed to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, iv, 9, 39

help daddy today xxx

Today is daddys operation and mummy is so scared, please help daddy through this today, i love daddy with all my heart xx love u

is everyone right??

I have been thinking, for me this is not unusual thats all i ever do , ...think.

i was thinking is everyone right?

am i not ready for another baby, is my body not ready for another baby, am i doing this because i think i am going to get my little girl at the end of it, how would i cope to have another baby, is our relationship ready for another baby, maybe everyone is right. i dont want to admit it but for once in my life i think they are right...

i dont really now how i would cope being pregnant again after the shit that i have been through but i cant seem to even begin to think of going on some kind of contraception, my mind is so screwed up, why am i copeing so bad with all this, i look at other mums who have lost there babies, they are pregnant and getting on with there lives, i said from day one i will not let this be my life i will not be the mother who lost her baby, but im turning out to be just that, how long will it take for me too be back to myself, too not feel like this, too be happy truely happy and not a false happy, i feel unemotional about everyone apart from maddison, i dont feel anything like i used to, love happiness, sadness nothing i just feel for my baby, i can cry for her, smile and be happy for her want her, but anyone else nothing... i mean dont get me wrong i love my little boy to the end of the world, and the same with phil i love him would do anyhting for him but its changing i am not feeling the love for anyone like i now i can, i am becomeing numb and i dont want to be numb i want to be me. i dont want to lose everything but i cant see how i am going to get through this .. or will i get through this..... will i ????

xxxx maddison xxxx

strength ???

My Mum is a survivor,Or so I've heard it said.But I can hear her crying at night,When all others are in bed.I watch her lay awake at night,And go to hold her hand.She doesn't know I'm with her,To help her understand.But like the sands on the beach,That never wash away...I watch over my surviving mum,Who thinks of me each day.She wears a smile for others...A smile of disguise!But through Heaven's door I see,Tears flowing from her eyes.My mum tries to cope with death,To keep my memory alive.But anyone who knows her knows,It is her way to survive.As I watch over my surviving mum,Through Heaven's open door...I try to tell her that angels,Protect me forevermore.I know that doesn't help her...Or ease the burden she bears.So if you get a chance, go visit her...And show her that you care.For no matter what she says...No matter what she feels,My surviving mum has a broken heart,That time won't ever heal.

confusion....

Each day that passes is a day closer to us meeting once more, a day closer to me holding you, a day closer to me kissing your cheek, holding your hand, stroking your head.

with this each day that passes feels like a million days since i held you i want to hold you so much it hurts it, it feels like my heart is being ripped from me, there is such a big hole that you have left and nothing will ever fill this.

i miss you so much, i miss what could have been what should have been, i miss our future, i miss it all, i wonder what you would have looked like, what colour eyes you would have had, if your hair would have been brown or blonde, i wonder all the time about everything,

im so sorry to say this but i wish i didnt, i wish it would all go away, i want you here and i cant bring myself to understand that this happened for a reason this was cruel why was i given you for you to have been ripped away from me so fast, i wish you were stronger i wish i was stronger, i should have kept you safe i couldnt even do this one thing that i was meant to do i was blessed with you and i ruined it, i couldnt even take care of you properly.

i am so angry with everyone i just want to be left alone, i am angry with myself for thinking the things i do sometimes. i am getting worse i can feel it i now i am, i blame and i dont want to blame.

i write and write but cant seem to put into words what i really want to say the truth i want to say the truth but i cant why cant i?? i can feel it coming..

i want you so badly i wish this was a dream. i wish i couild wake up from this nightmare, i wish every second, every minute, every hour, everyday that this was so different, this isnt the way it should have been its not even close.

i am going to ruin it all i just now it, this has changed me and not for the good, i feel weak, i feel unloved, i feel ashamed, i feel guilt, i feel angry and upset i feel nothing all at the same time, i am not the person i was and i never will be i am so confused i just dont now what to do i just want you back, but this is never going to happen.. this is unfair this is torture, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

i have to live like nothing has happened, move on get on with my life i dont want to anymore, i feel angry at him, how did you give another woman 3 children 3 healthy beautiful children this is mean i dont want to think like this i want your child this i had until it was taken from me, you dont understand me, no one understands me i want to be angry and moan and want but i cant even want, it will happen it will happen , it did happen and it went.. i am not me im not making sense i have it in my head but it doesnt make sense, it doesnt make sense to me so i wont make sense to anyone else, aggghhhhhhhhhh i want to stand in the middle of a field and cry and scream and get this out of me, i want to be normal again....

i want to empty my mind for it too be free to think of nothing nothingggggggggg... i would love to just think of nothing.. i would also love to sit and have a converstion about how i am feeling with him, but i cant, i want to tell him how i feel hoew i really feel but cant i cant talk to him, i always tell him talk to me talk to me, how can he when i cant even talk to him... i am so fucked in the head. i dont deserve to be here it should have been me that was taken i should have been the one not you my baby you didnt have a life you didnt have a chance... i should have given you that chance..

i am so sorry. i will always love you. soon we will be together and i will never leave you x<3x

xxxx maddison xxxx

ttc is bolloxxxxxxxxxxx.........grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

what the fuck why the fuck can everyone get pregnant apart from me, ????? cant i just i have one thing in my life that i really really want have i not been through enough without having to go through this as well, please i just want this too happen why cant it just happen is my body that fucked up that i cant even do this one thing????

GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....................

stay strong my friends x

"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!

makes you realise x

Throughout this shit i have come to realise that there are so many careing people in this world, also the thing that i have realised is that shit things happen to nice people....

why is this you have the people out there that dont give a shit the people who hurt others the people that hurt there own, then there are the nice people in this world, dont get me wrong im not saying that i am a saint but i am not evil, i love my own would do anything for my own i like to thinik that i help people when they need help, like the many people i have come to love through this awful time, they are good people, they too love there own would die for there own, are there for people they do not just care for themselves, they think of others yet why has this shit happened to us..????

i now i have done a post like this before but i just cant understand why this happens to us???

why did the expression come about.. everything happens for a reason i myself have used this fucking awful saying so many times, why though i dont belive it really why should i why did this happen there must have been a reason there just must have...

i now this is really random, i remember going to a jahovahs witness funeral when i was about 13 years old, my friend died of a brain tumour at 12 years old and at his funeral they said that the reason why he died at the young age was because someone in his family had sinned so bad that he had to die because of this.. what the fuck is that about i have always remembered this and feel that this is why my beautiful baby girl was taken from me, i look back in my life and think of all the things that i did and said that were mean and think thats why, because i was that horrible this happened to me....

life is so cruel at times, why are such things sent to us to challenge us, why why why??? she didnt deserve to die none of the precious babies deserved thiswhy were they sent to us if they wernt meant for this world...

i just wish i could understand this... but to be honest i just dont think i will ever beable to understand it.. this is hell im living in its just not fair....

do you know?

Do you know how hard it is
To hold a baby who doesn’t cry?
Do you know how hard it is
To tell that baby Goodbye?

Do you know how hard it is
To look at an empty bed?
Knowing your child should be there
Resting her sleepy head?

Do you know how hard it is
Feeling you’re to blame?
And no matter what they tell you
You'll always feel the same.

Do you know the heartache
Knowing she's gone for good?
And feeling that you didn't
Do all the things you could.

Do you know how hard it is
To hear that it's Gods will?
Do you know the emptiness
When your child is born still?

Unfortunately we do XX

25/07/10

7 months tomorrow we said hello and goodbye to you, some days it feels so long ago but others it feels so raw, i have been struggling lately more than i let on i think, i do try so hard to be strong but somedays i just cant do it.

everytime i see a new baby or a pushchair or hear a baby cry my heart skips a beat, i so wish you were here with us i would love to know what you would have looked like now, i will make you proud, i promise...

always thinking of you xx

everyday i think of you, every night i dream of you, every minute i wish things were different, every second i want you, i always always will and this will never change you are my beautiful girl and you always will be forever and ever and always, i will always love you, i dream about the day we will be together and i can hold you xx love you xx

need to write..

i wonder if another pregnancy will ever happen?

i wonder if things will be ok?

i wonder if we will be happy like we should be ?

i wonder if i will ever hold another baby which is mine again?

wonder,wonder,wonder this is my life now this and hopeing i hope things will be normal again and hope hope hope....

i dont understand why this has happened to me, i really really dont, i dont think i will beable to ever come to terms with what has happened and i dont think i ever fully will.

i will always have this massive hole that no matter how many babies i may have in the future will never be healed from the loss of my first born daughter, i longed for her and would have done anything for her, if i could have given my life for her to survive i would have done, just as i would for any of my children..

i miss u x

i can do this... x

i can do this xxx

ive had enoughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

grrr why cant things be just simple i want an easy life with things to just go normal but no not my life everything just so hard everything i cant do everything...... all i want is too live normal and be normal and live a normal life why is that so hard to do, i want to live each day with no worries and not to constanly be thinking of new fucking problems that face me each day. why do i have to deal with this shit each day, im begining to think that enough is enough and i dont want to feel likee this anymore...

what do you want me to do im not fucking superwoman jesus please just give me a break thats all i want a break to be normallllllllllllllllllllllllllll.........................

bad bad day...

today is another bad day to add to the list of bad days, from the minute i woke up i knew that it was coming, i hate these days but this one feels like its gonna be a long trog to try and get myself out of.
today i feel useless and feel that i was the reason why she didnt survive, i done something why didnt i change the things that i did why didnt i be more aware of her movements, i failed her i failed everyone...

i just want her here with us to hold her kiss her and smell her i would give anything to have a cuddle with her,..

why did this happen to me? whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ??? i wish things were so different i wish shee was still here she should be here where she belongs i would have taken care of her loved her more than anything more than anyone...

this is so not far so not far.....

im going to go to the doctors on monday as i cant handle this anymore i need help need someone to help me i want someonee to take this pain away from me, i dont understand this pain and i dont want to feel this pain anymore someone please please take it away from me!!!

why o why i just dont understand ?

why o why do these things happen to these poor babies i just cant and dont ever think i will ever understand why this happens, we are good people and none of us deserve this these babies do not deserve what has happened too them..

aghhhh it makes me so angry how o how can there be a god therre just cant bee one i swear. why let us carry these babies bond with our babies feel them move and then just rip them away from us it makes me ......

xxxxxxmaddisonxxxxxxxxx

Am i really ready ??

From very early on myself and phil decided we were going to try for another baby we both wanted it and it was never really an issue about trying to conseive so early, there were a few issues but mainly i think it was all me and the need to put myself at ease on the whole thing. i kinda can say that i think more so it was the fact of people thinking o my god they are trying to replace maddison. this was not the case and still is not the case 6months of trying later, neither of us would ever want to replace maddison we just feel that it is something we want to do if its not now then it will be a year 2 years or even longer as we have always said it will happen when it happens x

I never knew that trying to fall pregnant could be such hard work i could have brought shares in pregnancy tests, its awful its just not happening im trying so hard not to think about it so much but some days it unbearable, how can your body be so mean how??? a week late on my period 3 pregnancy tests and still NEGATIVE what the f.... be nice to be pleaseeeeeee but i stop and say o well next time or wait a couple more days and maybe then ill get the answer i am hopeing for x
its now saturday 26th june 2010 ill maybe wait till tuesday see if finally i come on or take test number 4 hahahha i make myself laugh im a woman obsessed i never thought it would have taken this long looking bk 6 months silly aye but as people keep telling me maybe im just not ready, we'll have to see all keep fingers crrossed for me xxx

peace out hehehe xxx

THINKING OF YOU X

I now this may sound strange but part of this song reminds me of you i now may sound strange but listening to it sounds better xx love you baby girl x

QUICKSAND - BETHANY JOY GALETTO X

I'd like to say I make good use of my time while you've been away
And it's true
I've been at my piano everyday thinking of you

They talk aroundI hear them whisper
It's the funniest thing really
They think you're gone foreverI know the truth
It's just getting hard to believe it

And they all tell me it's over
Even the stars are aligned
And I

I follow the sign so clearly and still I fall in
The quicksand's pulling me down
I follow the sign so clearly and still they catch me
The quicksand's pulling me down

I'm not the sameI can't sleep nights and now I'm calling your name when I do
And yet without you they say I get on better
Better
Better

When they all tell me it's over
I'll damn the Gods until the stars are aligned
And I

I follow the sign so clearly and still I fall in
The quicksand's pulling me down
I follow the sign so clearly and still they catch me
The quicksand's pulling me down

Look at my life and look at my face
Can't you see my heart bleeding down my sleeve
You're holding my hand and holding my heart
But I just wanna feel your breath inside me so I can breathe

Somewhere in the distance I catch a spark
A grace
A hope
Something that makes me feel like I'm alive

It's never too soon
It's never too late so I start screaming out
I see your faceI see your hand reaching down and I yell to you
And I say

I follow the sign so clearly and still I fall in
The quicksand's pulling me down
I follow the sign so clearly and still they caught me

The quicksand's pulling me down
I follow the sign so clearly and still I fall in
The quicksand's pulling me down

I know you can feel me rising
And I'm on fire but they keep on pulling me out
Out

Look at my life and look at my face
And look where I've come to get to this place with you
Sitting there at your feet and rest in your arms
And listen to your heartbeat

AhAhOh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

6 months on monday x

I can not belive it has been 6 months already some days it still feel as if it was days ago x miss you everyday but i must admit that i have started to stop so much of the thinking if this if that...

cannot belive that this time 6 months you were still with us your heart beating and moving around. little did i now that we didnt have long left and you would be only a memory 4 days on.. x

So much has changed since you havent been here some good but some bad, i wish things were so different i pray they were x

me and daddy went on holiday last week and for the first time ever brought all 5 of you something at the same time it felt so nice to include you in that it did make me smile x

miss you so much i hope you are happy my princess xx look for the lanterns we send you :-) xx <3>

Saying goodbye :-( xxx

22:38 in the evening you was born, weighing a tiny 2lb 40z we did to be honest think that you would be smaller so were quite surprised that you were that big, when you were born after approxameltly 7 and a half hours i was too be honest in shock all i wanted them to do was too clean you please clean her i said please just clean her, i couldnt look at you i dont now why i think it had actually dawned on me that this was it it was over now more future just memories no more the 3 of us together but a memory, it was devastating not hearing you cry when you came out and daddy cut your cord.

everyone crying looking at you, i can rember daddy and kerrie your godmother waiting for you too come out and kerrie looking at daddy and saying o my god she is beautiful, she was right you were beautiful you were our tiny sleeping angel.

(im so sorry to all who are reading this but am going to have to finish it another time.. as you now its so hard to reelive this part so give me time and will be finished soon) lots of love to all xxx

Hello my baby girl xx

It is 01:35 in the morning of a cold cold night, i was sitting here doing some work and going through emails when i come across a message that made me think of you, i just really wanted to write to you and tell you how much i miss you, i now i tell you every day but i thought tonight i would write it down, x i miss you with every part of me, i hope you are looking down on us smileing and waveing i love you dearly my precious baby girl Love you with all my heart and more and nothing will ever change this xx Lots of Love your mummy xx Play happily xx

The Day we had too say goodbye.... xxx

Im not too sure as i begin to write this if im going to be able to actually finish it today, this day which has turned into many is a day where alot was blurred this was the next step in our lives that we so wish and dream did not happen.

28th december 2009 xxx

I woke this morning with a feeling for a split second it had all been a dream, i had many more days like this for quite sometime but as the days grew into weeks this thought did not last long..

28th december 2009 was not supposed to be your birthday baby girl you were meant to come into this world as a 2010 baby a not so healthy baby but a baby that would fight and grow strong and give us many smiles and laughter, but i regret to say no laughter was shared with you my princess although joy that you had come into our lives and made us strong and helped us see the more important things in life because having you was the best part of us and for this i will be forever thankful to you xxx

(here we go.. i begin to shake as writing this could turn me back some steps but i feel i need to tell your story and have your memory live on through not only us but people in the future who will read this and find some strength xx)

I knew deep down that this was going to be the day you would come into our lives, i stilll lay there a mess not talking or really careing about the world. Granny and grandad came to visit to try and give us strength, my labour pains started at around 4 oclock in the afternoon it began mild but soon became too much for me too bare i think the thought of knowing that i would be giving birth to you and having to leave you was sooo painfull in its self,,
off we went to the hospital with my mum in tow, also coming with us to give her support was your godmother kerrie (who forever will be my best and closet friend until the day that i came to meet you) when we got to the hospital your grandad man and nanny maz come also too say hello and see you enter this world..

I have had labour before with your brother kai and im telling you this i am hard lol i handled it soo well the midwife actually said to me after you look like you are ready to run a marathon :-) x
but with you i have never felt pain like it this was a mixture between my heart breaking more and my whole body feeling like i myself was going to die, every part of me hurt and the emotion of it was so hard to deal with in one minute i was crying another laughing, i listened to your songs which later we used in your funeral i vomitted so much i didnt realise it was psychally possible but laughed with it :-) they all still say to this day it was like i had actually eaten a whole pack of cigareettes saying that i smoked alot but it wasnt that it was diet coke hehehe it got all over kerrie and phil but they didnt care they carried me through it as at that stage could not walk... xx
up and down up and down up and down ..... i had so much pain relief that i was actually told you can not have anything else.. i had dia morphine, 2x sleeping tablets, paracetomaol hahahah(yes paracetomal they kept asking me do you want paracetomal) this i will always remeber,,, we do laugh at this still today and also to add to the list about 3 and a half hours of gas and air,,,

as labour went on i became so close to my dad i never thought that it was possible i never in a million years thought that my dad would be by my side whilst i was giving birth... he held my hand and stroked my hair and it was in a way so strange for him to even be there (i now know that i am so pleased that he was )

Kerrie my rock my best friend stayed with me through the pain rubbed my back and wiped my sick fed me drink and lots and lots of gas and air hehehe, she cryed and laughed and cryed and laughed and to be honest cryed more.. i will be forever thankful for her for being there with us.... x

My mum my star the best mum that anyone could have and if i turn out to be half the mother she has been to me i will be thankful and proud she stood by me through 2 labours even though her heart was breaking stayed throught the tears and laughter and me shouting and seeing my heart break . thank you mum i will love you forever and always xx

And my Soul mate the father of my beautiful baby girl stayed with me through it all through all the questions and screaming and pain and his heartbreaking was soo strong he held me when i needed him and left me when i wanted to be alone for being so strong i thank you i will always love you until the day we are all reunited and are together with our maddison again foreva...

It came to the time which i was dreading time too push, I pushed and stopped pushing and pushed some more and eventually you came into this world beautiful just like we knew you would with lots of brown hair and a nose just like daddy even though it was a little squissed....

Here you were our baby girl precious Born at 22:08 on 28th dec 2009 weighing in at a tin 2lb 40z xxx

You left such a big hole...

That night the emptiness that i felt was unbearable i laid in the bath with a my beautiful baby girl asleep waiting to come out and claim her wings., i sat in the bath and remeber seeing the future disappeariing right in front of my eyes trying to hold back the tears so that phil who was sitting downstairs wouldnt hear and come up, its the worst feeling trying to hold back tears so that i wouldnt hurt the peerson i loved even more, to show him that i was crumbling in front of his very eyes.. i tryed and tryed but just couldnt hold it back it was like some one was taking the breathe out of me i now know that the reason i felt like this was becausee my heart was breaking slowly and i knew that it would only start to hurt more...

I lay in the bath thinking move baby move please please show them all that you are strong wake up please, i had no water left at this point so (i now this may sound so horrible but i have to put it so that you fully understand) with no water left i could feel her moving everytime i moved it moved her and it truely did feel like she was moving on her own, all i could feel was my tiny baby a tiny little bump round where she was all cuddled up, i lay my hand over her and stroked her like i had done so many times before over the past 32 weeks thinking to myself i dont want you to go i want to keep you here with me foreva.

As the night went on i lay with on the sofa in what i could only think to descibe like a coma i stared into space with every now and again just cying uncontrollably, i didnt speak much i couldnt eat i just lay there empty wanting to just go back...

phil also sat there not knowing what too say but just hold me us both just laying there thinking why us?? he was soo strong the man of my dreams with his heartbreaking and i didnt have the strength to even no what to say to him,

The night soon drew in and we both knew this would be our last night with our daughter, we lay there like we did so many night before with phils hand gently on my tiny bump and lay there just both holdiing her before the time come where we would hold our daughter for the first and last time.....

My heart stopped that day along with yours... xxx

27th december 2009:

this day started like any normal day we had holly and lilly staying over and all the kids were still buzzing over christmas and there pressies, the house was full of happiness and laughter but this would soon be the start of the worst time of my life,

at around half ten in the morning a wave of doubt came over me "babes i havent felt maddison move this morning" i knew this was strange as she always moved in the mornings, "it will be ok babes she is lazy you knoe that" with this we played a game i got all the kids to blow on my belly which they all loved doing they used to giggle doing this :-) they did this for ages bless em around half hour even phil had a go bless him but nothing still i rang my mum and said "nothing to worry about but i havent felt maddison move today and cnt remeber when i did last apart from boxing day morning" i also rung my best friend and told her that i would be going into hospital..

i rang the hospital and they told me to pack a bag and com straight to maternity ward so i quickly packed my stuff and a few clothes for maddison and off we went but not before telling th kids "it will all be ok your baby sister could be coming soon" all excited not thinking that it would not be a happy thing....

We quickly got to the hospital and waited for nearly an hour we couldnt belive that they left us this long but to be honest wasnt really panicking (i say this because maddison was such a lazy baby she didnt move much anyway so we thought that she was just being extremely lazy) the midwife eventually came in and brought with her a student midwife ( i now that student midwifes have to learn but i so so wish that this hadnt been the time where i had been given one, next time no student midwife will come near me) anyways they tried about 3 different ways to try and find her heartbeat and at one point they found mine and thought it was hers my heart skipped a beat for a split second.... then all of a sudden i became angry "just you fucking find it please" i yelled to the actuall midwife this hadnt made any difference they couldnt so she went of to get a doctor and the scan machine,

(this is actually making me feel quite sick writing so could take me a while)
the doctor came in and looked at us and said "there is a chance that i will not beable to find your babys heartbeat" we cuddled up together whilst she looked, then she sat slowly on the bed and said "Rebekha im so sorry but there is no heartbeat" with this i could have died literally i crumbld and just fell into phils arms he cried and cried we yelled it was the worst moment of our lifes..... we stayed in the room for what seemed like hours and just cryed and cryed i remeber going into the toilet and just collopsing on the floor screaming no no i want my baby i want my baby.... we rang my mum and i heard her scream she has gone hasnt she she has gone... i couldnt talk all i wanted was her too move. we rung my best friend and again she screamed them screams i will remeber foreva..

we eventually went downstairs to wait for my mum i just sat there in silence looking at the pregnant woman coming and new mothers taking there babys home all i could do was stare and cry i was crushed..
we went back upstairs and talked to our consultant who had been with us the whole time i begged him to scan again just incase the first doctor had done it wrong i needed to be sure before i took that tablet that would end my pregnacy.. and again no heartbeat that was it she had gone our beautiful baby girl had gone.. i took the tablet and they told us thatlabour should start within 3 days and if it didnt then we should come back in 3 days to be induced ...

That drive home was the start of quiet drives we would have for a while....

My heart broke with yours that day my baby there will always be a empty part that will only be filled when we are together againx xxxx

GASTROSCHISIS.....

So the day came for us to have our scan i was 13 weeks at this point.. we had all the fears that evey parent has when going through this.. will there still be a baby? will the baby be ok?... we sat in the waiting room for what felt like forever, i could feel the blood draing from face i felt so scared hopeing that everything would be ok..

it was finally our turn that anxiety soon turned into excited when we found out there was a heartbeat our faces lit up :-) but soon that happiness turned into worry, the sonographer seemed worried she was going over and over the same part of the baby then she turned to us and said i need to refer you to the dau (day assessment unit) i think the baby has something called gastrischisis, what is this we asked? its were the babys intestines are protruding through a hole in there abdominal wall its where she hadnt formed properly :(

we couldnt belive it something was wrong and we had no idea and to what extent she was poorly. so off we went to the dau and waited for our hurrided appointment with the consultant.. worrying phoneing our parents to let them now that there was something wrong..

we both just sat there in silence thinking. i cant remeber what i was thinking to be honest now..

we finally got into the consultants room after what seemed like hours, i layed down and they put that jelly on my stomach and started looking..... we waited in silence again... "your baby has something called gastroschisis, blah blah blah it was such a blur and to be honest again cant really rember much..

we were going to be scanned from 16 weeks every two weeks we had to do alternate fortnights at 2 different hospitals, Hinchingbrooke then addenbrookes, we would carry this on until around 36-37 when they would induce me.. x

i remeeber going straight home and crying literally none stop for 3 days at this point i didnt think things could get any worse little did i now.. i looked so much up on the internet literally every piece of information i could find i look at.. you tube videos and blogs from other parents part of me now wishes i had started this then.. phil was quite quiet about it all he tries not to let things worry him but i knew deep down that he worried just the same as me...

we went for so many scans and im soo glad now that we got so many pictures..

the weeks went on with the countless scans we kinda got bores of them after a while to be honest lol its so draining everytime you go getting that feeling of the first scan... and the worry of it all. but as we reached each milestone the countdown was getting so near. :-)

all the kids were so looking forward to it everytime we brought baby clothes home the girls faces lit up. we didnt buy big stuff like pushchairs and cot and things like that as we knew she would be in scbu for at least 4 weeks as she would have needed a operation as soon as she was born to put her intestines back in.. there were so many different things that we had to take on her weight was dropping and she wasnt growing fast plus my amnotic fluid was reducing, plus i was so poorly the whole time i was pregnant, i was admitted to hinchingbrooke for 2 days with servere tonsilitus i couldnt eat or drink for 2 days it was awful, but we carried on... the summer past and all the kids birthdays and we were soo looking forward to christmas our first christmas together, we had it at our house it was brilliant the kids loved it and the food was yumi and for being 7 months pregnant i looked wicked lol xx

boxing day came this being the best memory that me and phil will keep in our hearts forever she moved so hard and so jumpy that this was proberly the first time she had eva moved properlyfor phil we both laid there laughing, smiling and holding her ....this makes me feel so sad writing this but i had to put it in because this was the last time that either of us felt our baby move.............

6 weeks later x

6 weeks later things were going brilliant it was like we had known each other for years, like i said in the last blog things moved veryyyy fast ( not that, that is a bad thing :) phil moved in pretty much that weekend and didnt leave, although we did try for a couple of days lol x i started work the monday after we got together so i was at work during the day so that was good as he would have been constantly on the phone talking x

the weeks went on and we just couldnt get enough off each other always cuddling and kissing and sitting together, about 6 weeks later i remebered i hadnt come on ....... uh oh not good..... i panicked a little and so did phil, my best friends laughed and said we knew u would be we knew... so with that we decided to take a test... (just remeber we had 4 children between us at this point and had only been together for 6 weeks) (LOL i look back on it now and smile lol :) ) so anyways we took the test and there it was the 2 lines uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh oohhhhhh....... i tell you what i was moree scared about telling my mum .. x so there we were pregnant with four children only known each other for 6 weeks and we were wait for it...... 6 WEEKS pregnant lol lol ... x

so with this we both panicked slightly me more than phil my mum was not happy and neither were a few other but hay who gives a shit we didnt we were happy soo happy.. x

we went for our doctors appointments and scans, we had an early scan to see how far we were at that one we was 10 weeks so had to go back a couple of weeks later for a clearer one.. that was when it all started to go VERY VERY WRONG..... :-(

from day 1 x

It was a wednesday the first time i set eyes on the man, later i knew i would want to spend the rest of my life with. he worked as a kitchen/bathroom fitter for a local company, this week we was graced with him hehehe :-) he was working at my best friends house fitting her with a lovely new kitchen and bathroom. my friends had talked about him telling me about him so me being me decided to take a look :-). at first when i met phil i thought nahhh nothing going to happen here he had a girlfriend you see so i thought nothing would or could happen. (little did i now that that relationship was pretty much over).

so as the days went on i came round to the house more.. just to have a flirt and a giggle and still thinking that once the work had been finished thats it i wouldnt see him again :-(, then one morning i was on the phone chatting to my friend wheen he asked "phil wants to add you on facebook is that ok " hell yeh i replied thinking brill heheheh :). we chatted on facebook and through texts and also seeing him at my friends this was great i thought... but it was getting nearer to the time where he would have to go and wouldnt be coming back :( on the thursday the 14th may we had our first cheeky kiss he called me into one of the bedrooms where he was fitting the skerting board i was soo dim and so didnt get the hint of why he wanted me in the bedroom lol x he finally got me in there and we had our first kiss of many :-)x the next day friday 15th, the work was finished and it was time for phil to leave i was gutted as i thought thats it thats it i wont see him again i kept begging my friend please please talk to him tell him i really like him i wanna see him again... x we kissed when he left and txt and spoke over the weekend and as if in a dream he was back on monday :-)

he came to finish off a few things and also to see me lol x i was getting so so attached to this man i knew that even only after a few weeeks that i knew that this man i was falling in love with. i didnt no way want to lose him. the next day the tuesday 19th may 2009 he came back again, this time maybe could have been the last time i got to see him, again we cuddled and kissed and talked, he left around 9 oclock i stayed at my friends house that night when i was awoken to my phone ringing at 2 oclock in the morning to.... ITS DONE.. what.. what i said ITS DONE he replies WHATTTT??? o my god he did it he had actually left her i was sooo happy i could have cryed i couldnt actually belive it. we spoke on the phone for a while and i asked will i see u tomorrow.. littlee did i now that off course i would he wouldnt be going anywhere he basically moved in 2 days later xxxx
Posted by maddisonsmummy at 06:51