A new beginning of weight loss x

well today i am starting my transformation again, earlier this year when i lost maddison i lost 2 stone and was although mourning i was very happy with the way my body looked, now not so much i have put back on nearly all the weight i lost and the time has come to say goodbye to it again, a very good exercise reigme is going to begin and haveing a chef as a partner is going to make things very esy heheh, also doing this with my best friend will make it easier on both of us, so by christmas i will be putting up a picture of me and my keggy and saying hello to the world of the new us x come on girlie we can do this love you millions xxxx

24th september 2010 x

i havent wrote on here for a while, im not quite sure why but hay, its been a long month its been a good month, we are now at the 24th september, again around the blob date and agin it has come and gone and still nothing bit annoying really but hay getting quite used to it, i tested on monday but it was as usual a big fat NO gonna re test tomorrow cos i suppose u never now, feel alot happier in myself and our relationship feels like it did when we first got together, it has been brilliant to be honest really lovely, x I now i say it but i so hope this is the month would be such a fantastic feeling to now we finally got there it would just seriously top it all off for us would be awesome, but hay if not then its no biggy we shall just keep on trying its all fun heheheh x well just a little one tonight as i am knackered and really need to go to sleep x lots of love and kisses xxx night my beautiful girl loves u forever and ever and always xxx

15th septemeber x

ok so am likeing the way i am feeling at the moment and am hopefull that things are getting fabulous... i feel so so different about everything at the minute, have been of the meds for a month and feel like a different person, things are going well with the houseing situation, got our band and they gave us a 2 bedroom its not a 3 but hay its only weekends and i truely think that we gonna be well happy in our new house when we eventually get given it hehee, xx

not gonna ramble today but things are looking brighter, thank goodness, hopefully soon they will be fabuluouly better xxx

love to all xx
i love u my babies all of you x<3<3xxx

banggggggggggggggggggggggggg

bang bang bang bang i should just bang my fucking head against a brick wall it would so hurt less grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr here comes the anger again i hate i i hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11th september 2010x

First of all i would like to say that i am thinking of all the people who lost there lives in september 11th 2001, it has been 9 years since this happened and each year it hits me just the same as it did the day it happened watching the footage from that day still puts a massive lump in my throat. i think about all the people who lost there lives and of all the families who lost loved ones of that tragic day x R.I.P XX YOU ALL WILL ALWAYS BE IN OUR HEARTS X

so today is the 11th sept and i havent wrote on here for a few days, things seem to be looking up, it has been a calm chilled week with less arguements and more cuddles, we have talked this week and cried this week and remebered, we have talked about the future our future and are hopefull about the future and what it has to bring us x

i feel alot more happier lately i feel less stressed and angry, well thats apart from havong a blady cast on lol thats what i get for punching a reinforeced door i suppose, wont be doing that again lol x

well we got about 6 weeks untill we are homeless so fingers tightly crossed that we can get a house before this time i so hope so i think we need a break and this would omg so be a new fresh start for us it would take so much stress from us it would be such bliss,

well im signing out as i am getting cramp in this stupid arm hehe xnight all sleep tight xxx

mwahhhhh xxx

A LITTLE BIT OF GOOD XXXXXXXX

its the 8th of september o my god how fast has this year gone, even tho at times it has felt like it has gone on forever and ever and ever.
so much has happened this year this will defently be a year once it has finished this year will be forgotten... it will be locked in a box and locked and burnt, 2010 was supposed to be our year but has turned into the year where i nearly lost everything including myself, this begining of the year i lost my beautful baby girl, i have lost 2 houses, nearly lost the man of my dreams on more than one occation and nearly very nearly lost myself.

this year has been bad very bad, only things can only get better right. well i hope so i truely do hope so.

i so want to write positive i want to write all the good things but i am finding it very hard to think of all the good that has come from this year, i have met many friends through this year dear friends who have helped me through the bad times,

i have found a new love for my best friend a love which i didnt thinki could love her anymore than i already did but have realised that i can and have, this friend this special friend who will be with me through the rest of my life has kept me goign she has been through everything with me everything, i love her to the moon and back and always always will.. love u kez x

i have found that the love i have for phil has been made stronger through all the bad times, there has been so much that could have easily of dragged us apart but 8 months 1 week and 3 days after loseing our first baby together we are still together and our relationship is starting to rebuild, we have had our very low times and have struggled through some days and weeks but we still have each other and can and will get stronger i will love him forever and we will when the time is right go on to have another beautiful baby together x we will always love maddison and there will always be a massive hole where she should be but!!! she will always be with us no matter where we are she will keep us strong and keep us together and will guide us to the right path x mummy and daddy love you forever and ever and always to infinty and beyond xx sleep tight baby girl xxx

My little man started his first day at big school on the 2nd of september and he is loving it, he looks so smart in his uniform it just doesnt look right bless him, he is makeing friends and finding it easier to leave us in the mornings, i do miss him terrible when he is not here wish i could have them all here with us full time, x i love you mummys beautiful boy you are growing so big and so fast love you forever and ever and always thissssssssssssssss muchh xxx hehehx

gracie also starts big school this week bet she is so looking forward to being a big girl, she is also growing so fast i look at her sometimes and think o my god you have changed so much since we first met, me and daddy where talking about you last night and we both said how much you remind us of your baby sister, i see her in you so much she would have been just like you i think but just obviously with more of me hehehe love you little princess xxxx

Chloe well what can i say about this one lol she is 8 going on 18 hehe a teenager already just without the double digits lol xshe has the attitude already and to be honest i absolutely adore it i love the attitude it is so what it should be i love that she is so independant. i look at her and hope that if we have a little girl thats exactly what i want our baby to be like she is awesome x love you chloe loe xxxxx

and well ryan and typical mummys boy lol he is a typical only boy child in a family of all woman he although changing and becoming alittle bit of daddy he is mental a typical skank lol does not care about anything, he is the messiest child of 3 that i now you now exactly where he has been hehehe love him to bits though loves you ryan xxxxx

theres my kids although they not all biologically mine they sure do feel like it when they are here just wish they could be here all the time do miss them like mad when they all are gone x

and then there will be baby 6 hopefully a mixture of us both me and phil and a little bit of each child chucked in there too but until the time is right we will jsut dream of our 6th child phils 5th my 3rd and our 6th until that day i am well happy with what ive got xxxx

so there is my blog for today a little bit of good in here <3 xx love you all x

LOVE X

im sitting here in stareing into the lake as im with daddy fishing, i love times like this were i can sit and reflect on the life that i have been given, times like this were there is no sound apart from the wind blowing and the music in the background that reminds me of you. as you now baby girl as you see evrything from your bright star things havent been easy of late, i just wanted to let you now that we do love you so very much and we always will both have that hole where you should be, the hole of all the things you were meant to fill. we miss you so much every single minute of every day.

mummy and daddy are fighting to keep things the way they should be we are fightimg to keep going and we are going to keep going for all 5 of you.

i just wanted to write today that i love you all so much forever and ever and always to infinty and beyond xxx

my heart is breakng all over again ..

i have tried to get phil to read this for the past 4 months that i have been writing it but havent had much luck apart from a few times at the begging, on this day one of the worst days of my life would just love him too read it too see how the last so many months i have struggled but have got there how much love i have for him how much i care for him and want him to be happy.. i would love him to understand how i feel about him, as much as he frustrates me sometimes to the point were i could kill him i would die for him and always will. he is the man i want to spend the rest of life with he is the man i want to die old with, he is the man i want to share my worries with the man i want to cry with be happy with hold until i cant hold him anymore. all i want him to knoe is that i love him with all my heart and this will never change he and always will be the father of my beautiful angel and i thank him for giving me her, i thank him for the past 18 months although we unfortunately have had more ups than downs but this is not due to us not trying our asses of to try and strive for a better life,

i hope he nows that i tried so so hard to keep our relationship going to keep the spark there forever, i hope i have never shown him hatred because this is one thing i have never felt for this wonderful man. i thank him for giving me 3 beautiful step children to love and i will always even if we do not meet again i will miss them terribly and miss them until the day i die.

i thank him for showing me love and showing me when all was so good that this is what life is meant to be. i thank him for the dreams of a long life together a happy life a life where i was safe from everything, i thank him for making me feel safe..

we have many memories my beautiful man and i will miss you dearly more than you now and will ever understandit breaks my heart to think well to now that i will have to say goodbye to you i never ever since meeting you ever thought in my heart that i would ever lose you that i would ever have to say goodbye.

all i ask is that you find the strength to bring that man i now you are and can be bring him back and you will do fine.. i am so sorry that i fsailed you and didnt do enough to keep you safe. i love you more than words can ever say more than any song more than any love film more than the strongest love in the world. i belive and always will belive that you are my soul mate, we made a beautiful baby girl and had a love so strong i am just so sorry and heartbroken that this love has gone.

when you think of maddison stay strong for her she wouldnt want you to find her this soon live your life be happy and maybe one day we will meet again and things may be different .

i will miss you and will love you forever and ever and always too infinty and beyond xxxxx

think i am gonna find this harder than i originally thought...............:-( why wasnt it me ?????

i love you x

last couple of weeks i have found it really really difficult to write what is on my mind.. it kinda feels like i have gone blank.

it has been such an awful couple of weeks with so many downs i quite surprised im still here. i now that sounds stupid as i would never do anything to that extreme but i am finding it quite difficult, i am finding it hard as i dont now what to do for the best, i feel like im making it worse i feel that im not helping but all i want to do is help..

i hate seeing him so sad i hate seeing him hurting i hate it i just want to help him more than anything in the world..
just wish he would tell me what to do x

i love you

I love you like the sun in the sky
Or maybe how a bird is destined to fly
Even more than a mother loves her child
Or all the animals running in the wild

A pedal to a rose
And everyone knows
It's more that just love
Soring around like a white turtle dove

Tears for joy and tears for pain
It's like standing out in the hot summer rain
It's more than the sound of your sweet gentle name
More than a predetor loves its game

Words can't sum up the way that I feel
But I'll definetly say
These feelings are real
And as Sent from above
Im here to give you my undying love

So in closing my dear
I pray I've made it rather clear
You mean everything to me
My sweet heart can't you see
I can't get enough of your endless touch
Oh my sweet baby, I love you so much!