agggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats all i have to say roll on a new day ....

why does it just keep coming back?

why does the hurt always find its way back through, i have a couple of okish days then bam the numbness comes back the anger comes back, i find myself getting annoyed with everything, i wanna be nasty and say things that will hurt others, i wanna just be alone i want to be on my own, i hate this i hate being on my own i hate it but this is all i want to do, i dont want to see anyone be with anyone look after anyone just wanna sleep and get through each day.

i want this feeling to go why wont it go ???

how long is this gonna take when am i going to be me again when, thats all i want to know ?

how??

how can you be 5 days late and not be pregnant taken 2 tests this week and still NEGATIVE but still not come on, why is my body so weird annoying or what, u wait ill come on next week and thats my period changed again why cnt my body be normal for me?? o well no nokey for 4 weeks lets try again in september give myself a break from the hopeing i suppose xx

xxx maddison xxx

soup...

soup what a title :-) but at this minute at this time just seemed like a good one, poor daddy went and had his operation this week and came out all better, well i wouldnt say better i would say in a lot of pain but the problem is better, the only thing now that is all daddy can eat is soup, it can be chicken soup, tomato soup, oxtail soup, soup soup soup hehehe.

the doctor told us its like retraining, retraining like a baby, start small and very watery and then build up to little lumps, then so on and so on. i feel so mean for him i dont want to eat, i went out last night and brought the most rankest microwave meals so that he wont fancy them hehehe.

just want daddy to be back to his normal self, well i would very much like it if he didnt fart as much buttttt i think to be honest its only gonna get worse hehehe.. but hay ill deal with it lol..

get well soon babes love u so much xxxx maddison xxxx

daddys ok x

Went to get daddy from the hospital today after his operation, he is being so strong just like normal, thank you for watching over him, im so happy he is here at home again, we both love u so much baby girl forever and ever and always to infinty and beyond xx

is there a certain way too feel ?

Is there a certain way to feel when something this awful happens, i heard a saying once:

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is .

this is so so true on so many levels there are just no words that can exxpress this, since loseing maddison i have spoken to many different woman who also have lost a child, some even have lost more than one child, some have lost a child months after they were born, some the same as us and lost there baby before they were due..

these are all different feeling, no one feels the same as the next person, we are all different, how can you comfort someone when it comes to this. what do you say

my close friend lost her beautiful baby boy 3 weeks ago, me and gem have only known each other a short while but i feel have grown very close, when gem lost samuel i didnt know what to say, i myself went through this only 6 months ago but just didnt now what to say to comfort her without her thinking that i was being out of order, we speak and have done so since her loss but no one nows what too say to any of us, we dont now what we want people to say to us,

because like i said everyone is different, we all grieve different we all look at this different.

Me and my friend bridie who too lost her beautiful little girl erin, used to joke. on facebook as you all now has a private chat section, we used to say everyone keeps asking me how i am, bridie being the sarcastic funny loveing person she is used to joke i just wanna say "IM FUCKING SHIT THANKS" we got to the point where we would speak but not under any circumstance ask how each of us were, well we tried but it always used to get there, "HEHEHE LOOK AT US" we used to say "WE HAVENT ASKED HOW WE ARE" :-) BUT!!! if people didnt ask how would we feel, i would have felt why are you not asking me how i am, everyone has forgotten about her, but i didnt want people to ask me!!! strange hay its just awful you just dont now how to feel.

I would not wish this on my worst enemy and some people i can safely say that i hate them, but this is a numbing pain that no one should ever feel no one, this is just not how things should be.

Children are not supposed to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, iv, 9, 39

help daddy today xxx

Today is daddys operation and mummy is so scared, please help daddy through this today, i love daddy with all my heart xx love u

is everyone right??

I have been thinking, for me this is not unusual thats all i ever do , ...think.

i was thinking is everyone right?

am i not ready for another baby, is my body not ready for another baby, am i doing this because i think i am going to get my little girl at the end of it, how would i cope to have another baby, is our relationship ready for another baby, maybe everyone is right. i dont want to admit it but for once in my life i think they are right...

i dont really now how i would cope being pregnant again after the shit that i have been through but i cant seem to even begin to think of going on some kind of contraception, my mind is so screwed up, why am i copeing so bad with all this, i look at other mums who have lost there babies, they are pregnant and getting on with there lives, i said from day one i will not let this be my life i will not be the mother who lost her baby, but im turning out to be just that, how long will it take for me too be back to myself, too not feel like this, too be happy truely happy and not a false happy, i feel unemotional about everyone apart from maddison, i dont feel anything like i used to, love happiness, sadness nothing i just feel for my baby, i can cry for her, smile and be happy for her want her, but anyone else nothing... i mean dont get me wrong i love my little boy to the end of the world, and the same with phil i love him would do anyhting for him but its changing i am not feeling the love for anyone like i now i can, i am becomeing numb and i dont want to be numb i want to be me. i dont want to lose everything but i cant see how i am going to get through this .. or will i get through this..... will i ????

xxxx maddison xxxx

strength ???

My Mum is a survivor,Or so I've heard it said.But I can hear her crying at night,When all others are in bed.I watch her lay awake at night,And go to hold her hand.She doesn't know I'm with her,To help her understand.But like the sands on the beach,That never wash away...I watch over my surviving mum,Who thinks of me each day.She wears a smile for others...A smile of disguise!But through Heaven's door I see,Tears flowing from her eyes.My mum tries to cope with death,To keep my memory alive.But anyone who knows her knows,It is her way to survive.As I watch over my surviving mum,Through Heaven's open door...I try to tell her that angels,Protect me forevermore.I know that doesn't help her...Or ease the burden she bears.So if you get a chance, go visit her...And show her that you care.For no matter what she says...No matter what she feels,My surviving mum has a broken heart,That time won't ever heal.

confusion....

Each day that passes is a day closer to us meeting once more, a day closer to me holding you, a day closer to me kissing your cheek, holding your hand, stroking your head.

with this each day that passes feels like a million days since i held you i want to hold you so much it hurts it, it feels like my heart is being ripped from me, there is such a big hole that you have left and nothing will ever fill this.

i miss you so much, i miss what could have been what should have been, i miss our future, i miss it all, i wonder what you would have looked like, what colour eyes you would have had, if your hair would have been brown or blonde, i wonder all the time about everything,

im so sorry to say this but i wish i didnt, i wish it would all go away, i want you here and i cant bring myself to understand that this happened for a reason this was cruel why was i given you for you to have been ripped away from me so fast, i wish you were stronger i wish i was stronger, i should have kept you safe i couldnt even do this one thing that i was meant to do i was blessed with you and i ruined it, i couldnt even take care of you properly.

i am so angry with everyone i just want to be left alone, i am angry with myself for thinking the things i do sometimes. i am getting worse i can feel it i now i am, i blame and i dont want to blame.

i write and write but cant seem to put into words what i really want to say the truth i want to say the truth but i cant why cant i?? i can feel it coming..

i want you so badly i wish this was a dream. i wish i couild wake up from this nightmare, i wish every second, every minute, every hour, everyday that this was so different, this isnt the way it should have been its not even close.

i am going to ruin it all i just now it, this has changed me and not for the good, i feel weak, i feel unloved, i feel ashamed, i feel guilt, i feel angry and upset i feel nothing all at the same time, i am not the person i was and i never will be i am so confused i just dont now what to do i just want you back, but this is never going to happen.. this is unfair this is torture, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

i have to live like nothing has happened, move on get on with my life i dont want to anymore, i feel angry at him, how did you give another woman 3 children 3 healthy beautiful children this is mean i dont want to think like this i want your child this i had until it was taken from me, you dont understand me, no one understands me i want to be angry and moan and want but i cant even want, it will happen it will happen , it did happen and it went.. i am not me im not making sense i have it in my head but it doesnt make sense, it doesnt make sense to me so i wont make sense to anyone else, aggghhhhhhhhhh i want to stand in the middle of a field and cry and scream and get this out of me, i want to be normal again....

i want to empty my mind for it too be free to think of nothing nothingggggggggg... i would love to just think of nothing.. i would also love to sit and have a converstion about how i am feeling with him, but i cant, i want to tell him how i feel hoew i really feel but cant i cant talk to him, i always tell him talk to me talk to me, how can he when i cant even talk to him... i am so fucked in the head. i dont deserve to be here it should have been me that was taken i should have been the one not you my baby you didnt have a life you didnt have a chance... i should have given you that chance..

i am so sorry. i will always love you. soon we will be together and i will never leave you x<3x

xxxx maddison xxxx

ttc is bolloxxxxxxxxxxx.........grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

what the fuck why the fuck can everyone get pregnant apart from me, ????? cant i just i have one thing in my life that i really really want have i not been through enough without having to go through this as well, please i just want this too happen why cant it just happen is my body that fucked up that i cant even do this one thing????

GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....................

stay strong my friends x

"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!

makes you realise x

Throughout this shit i have come to realise that there are so many careing people in this world, also the thing that i have realised is that shit things happen to nice people....

why is this you have the people out there that dont give a shit the people who hurt others the people that hurt there own, then there are the nice people in this world, dont get me wrong im not saying that i am a saint but i am not evil, i love my own would do anything for my own i like to thinik that i help people when they need help, like the many people i have come to love through this awful time, they are good people, they too love there own would die for there own, are there for people they do not just care for themselves, they think of others yet why has this shit happened to us..????

i now i have done a post like this before but i just cant understand why this happens to us???

why did the expression come about.. everything happens for a reason i myself have used this fucking awful saying so many times, why though i dont belive it really why should i why did this happen there must have been a reason there just must have...

i now this is really random, i remember going to a jahovahs witness funeral when i was about 13 years old, my friend died of a brain tumour at 12 years old and at his funeral they said that the reason why he died at the young age was because someone in his family had sinned so bad that he had to die because of this.. what the fuck is that about i have always remembered this and feel that this is why my beautiful baby girl was taken from me, i look back in my life and think of all the things that i did and said that were mean and think thats why, because i was that horrible this happened to me....

life is so cruel at times, why are such things sent to us to challenge us, why why why??? she didnt deserve to die none of the precious babies deserved thiswhy were they sent to us if they wernt meant for this world...

i just wish i could understand this... but to be honest i just dont think i will ever beable to understand it.. this is hell im living in its just not fair....

do you know?

Do you know how hard it is
To hold a baby who doesn’t cry?
Do you know how hard it is
To tell that baby Goodbye?

Do you know how hard it is
To look at an empty bed?
Knowing your child should be there
Resting her sleepy head?

Do you know how hard it is
Feeling you’re to blame?
And no matter what they tell you
You'll always feel the same.

Do you know the heartache
Knowing she's gone for good?
And feeling that you didn't
Do all the things you could.

Do you know how hard it is
To hear that it's Gods will?
Do you know the emptiness
When your child is born still?

Unfortunately we do XX

25/07/10

7 months tomorrow we said hello and goodbye to you, some days it feels so long ago but others it feels so raw, i have been struggling lately more than i let on i think, i do try so hard to be strong but somedays i just cant do it.

everytime i see a new baby or a pushchair or hear a baby cry my heart skips a beat, i so wish you were here with us i would love to know what you would have looked like now, i will make you proud, i promise...

always thinking of you xx

everyday i think of you, every night i dream of you, every minute i wish things were different, every second i want you, i always always will and this will never change you are my beautiful girl and you always will be forever and ever and always, i will always love you, i dream about the day we will be together and i can hold you xx love you xx

need to write..

i wonder if another pregnancy will ever happen?

i wonder if things will be ok?

i wonder if we will be happy like we should be ?

i wonder if i will ever hold another baby which is mine again?

wonder,wonder,wonder this is my life now this and hopeing i hope things will be normal again and hope hope hope....

i dont understand why this has happened to me, i really really dont, i dont think i will beable to ever come to terms with what has happened and i dont think i ever fully will.

i will always have this massive hole that no matter how many babies i may have in the future will never be healed from the loss of my first born daughter, i longed for her and would have done anything for her, if i could have given my life for her to survive i would have done, just as i would for any of my children..

i miss u x

i can do this... x

i can do this xxx

ive had enoughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

grrr why cant things be just simple i want an easy life with things to just go normal but no not my life everything just so hard everything i cant do everything...... all i want is too live normal and be normal and live a normal life why is that so hard to do, i want to live each day with no worries and not to constanly be thinking of new fucking problems that face me each day. why do i have to deal with this shit each day, im begining to think that enough is enough and i dont want to feel likee this anymore...

what do you want me to do im not fucking superwoman jesus please just give me a break thats all i want a break to be normallllllllllllllllllllllllllll.........................

bad bad day...

today is another bad day to add to the list of bad days, from the minute i woke up i knew that it was coming, i hate these days but this one feels like its gonna be a long trog to try and get myself out of.
today i feel useless and feel that i was the reason why she didnt survive, i done something why didnt i change the things that i did why didnt i be more aware of her movements, i failed her i failed everyone...

i just want her here with us to hold her kiss her and smell her i would give anything to have a cuddle with her,..

why did this happen to me? whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ??? i wish things were so different i wish shee was still here she should be here where she belongs i would have taken care of her loved her more than anything more than anyone...

this is so not far so not far.....

im going to go to the doctors on monday as i cant handle this anymore i need help need someone to help me i want someonee to take this pain away from me, i dont understand this pain and i dont want to feel this pain anymore someone please please take it away from me!!!

why o why i just dont understand ?

why o why do these things happen to these poor babies i just cant and dont ever think i will ever understand why this happens, we are good people and none of us deserve this these babies do not deserve what has happened too them..

aghhhh it makes me so angry how o how can there be a god therre just cant bee one i swear. why let us carry these babies bond with our babies feel them move and then just rip them away from us it makes me ......

xxxxxxmaddisonxxxxxxxxx