confusion....

Each day that passes is a day closer to us meeting once more, a day closer to me holding you, a day closer to me kissing your cheek, holding your hand, stroking your head.

with this each day that passes feels like a million days since i held you i want to hold you so much it hurts it, it feels like my heart is being ripped from me, there is such a big hole that you have left and nothing will ever fill this.

i miss you so much, i miss what could have been what should have been, i miss our future, i miss it all, i wonder what you would have looked like, what colour eyes you would have had, if your hair would have been brown or blonde, i wonder all the time about everything,

im so sorry to say this but i wish i didnt, i wish it would all go away, i want you here and i cant bring myself to understand that this happened for a reason this was cruel why was i given you for you to have been ripped away from me so fast, i wish you were stronger i wish i was stronger, i should have kept you safe i couldnt even do this one thing that i was meant to do i was blessed with you and i ruined it, i couldnt even take care of you properly.

i am so angry with everyone i just want to be left alone, i am angry with myself for thinking the things i do sometimes. i am getting worse i can feel it i now i am, i blame and i dont want to blame.

i write and write but cant seem to put into words what i really want to say the truth i want to say the truth but i cant why cant i?? i can feel it coming..

i want you so badly i wish this was a dream. i wish i couild wake up from this nightmare, i wish every second, every minute, every hour, everyday that this was so different, this isnt the way it should have been its not even close.

i am going to ruin it all i just now it, this has changed me and not for the good, i feel weak, i feel unloved, i feel ashamed, i feel guilt, i feel angry and upset i feel nothing all at the same time, i am not the person i was and i never will be i am so confused i just dont now what to do i just want you back, but this is never going to happen.. this is unfair this is torture, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

i have to live like nothing has happened, move on get on with my life i dont want to anymore, i feel angry at him, how did you give another woman 3 children 3 healthy beautiful children this is mean i dont want to think like this i want your child this i had until it was taken from me, you dont understand me, no one understands me i want to be angry and moan and want but i cant even want, it will happen it will happen , it did happen and it went.. i am not me im not making sense i have it in my head but it doesnt make sense, it doesnt make sense to me so i wont make sense to anyone else, aggghhhhhhhhhh i want to stand in the middle of a field and cry and scream and get this out of me, i want to be normal again....

i want to empty my mind for it too be free to think of nothing nothingggggggggg... i would love to just think of nothing.. i would also love to sit and have a converstion about how i am feeling with him, but i cant, i want to tell him how i feel hoew i really feel but cant i cant talk to him, i always tell him talk to me talk to me, how can he when i cant even talk to him... i am so fucked in the head. i dont deserve to be here it should have been me that was taken i should have been the one not you my baby you didnt have a life you didnt have a chance... i should have given you that chance..

i am so sorry. i will always love you. soon we will be together and i will never leave you x<3x

xxxx maddison xxxx