im sorry ...

Right well i now awhile back i kinda promisd not to keep ranting but im getting sooooo fucking pissed off with the fact we cant get pregnant what the fuck is going on, we are trying so hard but its just not happened, godddddddddd how hard is it have sex get pregnant grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr everyone else is pregnant aprt from me (well ok not just me but it feels likeit sometimes) im just loseing the will to belive why is this not happeneing i have had enough of this ..........................

I HATE TTC..................FACT

37 days and its been a year x

in 37 days it has been a year since we lost you baby girl, everyday at the beginning gelled into one and to be honest i dont like to think of it much, it makes me sad bringing back the sadness that we all felt the days, weeks, months after we lost you, on the 27th december the day we found out your heart had stopped changed our lives forever, on the 28th december the day you were born was the first and last time we held you and if i had one wish it would be to go back to that day and hold you again, i would hold you and never let you go. i miss you so much and wonder all the time what you would look like what you would look like, if you would be walking and i like to viualise you playing with your brothers and sisters and demirose and summer. i wish i could go back to those last days before we lost you i would have changed things i would have been more aware of your movements but i cnt so i cant let myself blame myself for things that i cant change i just now the next time we are blessed to get pregnant again i will be more cautious and aware of the things that i failed you on.

you are and always will be my beautiful baby girl my first daughter and the love i have for you no other child that i bare will have that same love. i miss you every minute of everyday and wish you were here with us xx

love you forever and ever and always to infinty and beyond xxx

friends x

Since loseing maddison the friends i had before have grown closer to me, even closer to be honest. my best friend kerrie who was there to see my baby girl be born to hold her and love her like she will always.

since loseing maddison i have found new friends and these friends i grow closer to everyday, my friend gem who unfortunately has gone through the same as me loseing her beautiful baby boy samuel on the 4th july 2010,

these friends i hold close to my heart forever and always and will be there for them forever and alwaysx

i just wanted to say thank u thank u for being there for me thank u for holding me when i cry, thank u for being there when i need to talk, thank u for everything i love you all with all my heart forever and always xx

baby samuel x

Today my friends gem and rob chapman should either be days away or have there baby boy samuel but unfortuntely samuel lost his fight on the 4th july 2010, samuel was very very poorly.

i thgink about gem and rob and their family alot and it has hit me more than i ever thought it would, it has brought back feelings that i havent had for along time, i feel sad and miss my baby and think how close her 1st birthday is, i just have no energy to do anything and i havent been like this for such a long time.

im not going to write much today as i dont want to start myself off again all i want to say is im always thinking of you gem and rob and baby samuel fly high and play happily in the clouds and be happy with my girl x

r.i.p baby samuel x
love you forever and always maddison
<3 xxx x

could cry a million tears today xxx

"One Sweet Day"

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
Alive

[Chorus:]
And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Darling I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared

[Chorus]

Although the sun will never shine the same again
I'll always look to a brighter day
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

[Chorus]

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say

mummy is sad today havent had a day like this for along time i just want to cry i feel awful i just want to sit her and cry i feel so sad i love you so much my precious girl i just want you here i dont feel like a mum, your not here and every other week kai isnt here i want to be a proper mum :-( xx
miss u so much xxx

7th november 2010 x

well hello everyone, i have been trying to write on here for ages i have been coming on writing then deleting writing then deleting, its weird i want to write but just cnt find the words on what i want to say but tonight i thought bugger it im gonna do it (hopefully),

so as u all now from my last blog we have moved and the house is awesome it is getting there quite fast its looking gorgeous, the kids absolutely love it and so do we i just cnt wait for it to be finished.

i dreamt about maddison for the first time the other week and it was awesome she was about 3 and we were watcing her do ballet she had light brown curly hair and was gorgeous :-) then i dreamt bout her agin this time she was a baby we knew that she was going to die but she was breathing and we were just watching her breathe and she opened her eyes it was an awesom dream just wish i could have dreamt longer, x love u so much baby girl x

not long now till maddisons birthday and im really not looking forward to it, i dont want it to rule chrismtas if u now what i mean i want to celebrate not mourn,.

we are 10 and half months into our journey and still no baby bump, everyone is haveing babies and we arent i juat hope that now we are settled it will happen for us i just cnt see myself pregnant agin weirds hay i hope its not a sign as i wan tit to happen so badly we both do now x

well thats me for today im signing out i just want to say love you forever and ever and always baby girl i truely do miss u so much and wish u were here everyday x

love u my 4 other beautiful babys and my gorgeous man x