The Day we had too say goodbye.... xxx

Im not too sure as i begin to write this if im going to be able to actually finish it today, this day which has turned into many is a day where alot was blurred this was the next step in our lives that we so wish and dream did not happen.

28th december 2009 xxx

I woke this morning with a feeling for a split second it had all been a dream, i had many more days like this for quite sometime but as the days grew into weeks this thought did not last long..

28th december 2009 was not supposed to be your birthday baby girl you were meant to come into this world as a 2010 baby a not so healthy baby but a baby that would fight and grow strong and give us many smiles and laughter, but i regret to say no laughter was shared with you my princess although joy that you had come into our lives and made us strong and helped us see the more important things in life because having you was the best part of us and for this i will be forever thankful to you xxx

(here we go.. i begin to shake as writing this could turn me back some steps but i feel i need to tell your story and have your memory live on through not only us but people in the future who will read this and find some strength xx)

I knew deep down that this was going to be the day you would come into our lives, i stilll lay there a mess not talking or really careing about the world. Granny and grandad came to visit to try and give us strength, my labour pains started at around 4 oclock in the afternoon it began mild but soon became too much for me too bare i think the thought of knowing that i would be giving birth to you and having to leave you was sooo painfull in its self,,
off we went to the hospital with my mum in tow, also coming with us to give her support was your godmother kerrie (who forever will be my best and closet friend until the day that i came to meet you) when we got to the hospital your grandad man and nanny maz come also too say hello and see you enter this world..

I have had labour before with your brother kai and im telling you this i am hard lol i handled it soo well the midwife actually said to me after you look like you are ready to run a marathon :-) x
but with you i have never felt pain like it this was a mixture between my heart breaking more and my whole body feeling like i myself was going to die, every part of me hurt and the emotion of it was so hard to deal with in one minute i was crying another laughing, i listened to your songs which later we used in your funeral i vomitted so much i didnt realise it was psychally possible but laughed with it :-) they all still say to this day it was like i had actually eaten a whole pack of cigareettes saying that i smoked alot but it wasnt that it was diet coke hehehe it got all over kerrie and phil but they didnt care they carried me through it as at that stage could not walk... xx
up and down up and down up and down ..... i had so much pain relief that i was actually told you can not have anything else.. i had dia morphine, 2x sleeping tablets, paracetomaol hahahah(yes paracetomal they kept asking me do you want paracetomal) this i will always remeber,,, we do laugh at this still today and also to add to the list about 3 and a half hours of gas and air,,,

as labour went on i became so close to my dad i never thought that it was possible i never in a million years thought that my dad would be by my side whilst i was giving birth... he held my hand and stroked my hair and it was in a way so strange for him to even be there (i now know that i am so pleased that he was )

Kerrie my rock my best friend stayed with me through the pain rubbed my back and wiped my sick fed me drink and lots and lots of gas and air hehehe, she cryed and laughed and cryed and laughed and to be honest cryed more.. i will be forever thankful for her for being there with us.... x

My mum my star the best mum that anyone could have and if i turn out to be half the mother she has been to me i will be thankful and proud she stood by me through 2 labours even though her heart was breaking stayed throught the tears and laughter and me shouting and seeing my heart break . thank you mum i will love you forever and always xx

And my Soul mate the father of my beautiful baby girl stayed with me through it all through all the questions and screaming and pain and his heartbreaking was soo strong he held me when i needed him and left me when i wanted to be alone for being so strong i thank you i will always love you until the day we are all reunited and are together with our maddison again foreva...

It came to the time which i was dreading time too push, I pushed and stopped pushing and pushed some more and eventually you came into this world beautiful just like we knew you would with lots of brown hair and a nose just like daddy even though it was a little squissed....

Here you were our baby girl precious Born at 22:08 on 28th dec 2009 weighing in at a tin 2lb 40z xxx