You left such a big hole...

That night the emptiness that i felt was unbearable i laid in the bath with a my beautiful baby girl asleep waiting to come out and claim her wings., i sat in the bath and remeber seeing the future disappeariing right in front of my eyes trying to hold back the tears so that phil who was sitting downstairs wouldnt hear and come up, its the worst feeling trying to hold back tears so that i wouldnt hurt the peerson i loved even more, to show him that i was crumbling in front of his very eyes.. i tryed and tryed but just couldnt hold it back it was like some one was taking the breathe out of me i now know that the reason i felt like this was becausee my heart was breaking slowly and i knew that it would only start to hurt more...

I lay in the bath thinking move baby move please please show them all that you are strong wake up please, i had no water left at this point so (i now this may sound so horrible but i have to put it so that you fully understand) with no water left i could feel her moving everytime i moved it moved her and it truely did feel like she was moving on her own, all i could feel was my tiny baby a tiny little bump round where she was all cuddled up, i lay my hand over her and stroked her like i had done so many times before over the past 32 weeks thinking to myself i dont want you to go i want to keep you here with me foreva.

As the night went on i lay with on the sofa in what i could only think to descibe like a coma i stared into space with every now and again just cying uncontrollably, i didnt speak much i couldnt eat i just lay there empty wanting to just go back...

phil also sat there not knowing what too say but just hold me us both just laying there thinking why us?? he was soo strong the man of my dreams with his heartbreaking and i didnt have the strength to even no what to say to him,

The night soon drew in and we both knew this would be our last night with our daughter, we lay there like we did so many night before with phils hand gently on my tiny bump and lay there just both holdiing her before the time come where we would hold our daughter for the first and last time.....