My heart stopped that day along with yours... xxx

27th december 2009:

this day started like any normal day we had holly and lilly staying over and all the kids were still buzzing over christmas and there pressies, the house was full of happiness and laughter but this would soon be the start of the worst time of my life,

at around half ten in the morning a wave of doubt came over me "babes i havent felt maddison move this morning" i knew this was strange as she always moved in the mornings, "it will be ok babes she is lazy you knoe that" with this we played a game i got all the kids to blow on my belly which they all loved doing they used to giggle doing this :-) they did this for ages bless em around half hour even phil had a go bless him but nothing still i rang my mum and said "nothing to worry about but i havent felt maddison move today and cnt remeber when i did last apart from boxing day morning" i also rung my best friend and told her that i would be going into hospital..

i rang the hospital and they told me to pack a bag and com straight to maternity ward so i quickly packed my stuff and a few clothes for maddison and off we went but not before telling th kids "it will all be ok your baby sister could be coming soon" all excited not thinking that it would not be a happy thing....

We quickly got to the hospital and waited for nearly an hour we couldnt belive that they left us this long but to be honest wasnt really panicking (i say this because maddison was such a lazy baby she didnt move much anyway so we thought that she was just being extremely lazy) the midwife eventually came in and brought with her a student midwife ( i now that student midwifes have to learn but i so so wish that this hadnt been the time where i had been given one, next time no student midwife will come near me) anyways they tried about 3 different ways to try and find her heartbeat and at one point they found mine and thought it was hers my heart skipped a beat for a split second.... then all of a sudden i became angry "just you fucking find it please" i yelled to the actuall midwife this hadnt made any difference they couldnt so she went of to get a doctor and the scan machine,

(this is actually making me feel quite sick writing so could take me a while)
the doctor came in and looked at us and said "there is a chance that i will not beable to find your babys heartbeat" we cuddled up together whilst she looked, then she sat slowly on the bed and said "Rebekha im so sorry but there is no heartbeat" with this i could have died literally i crumbld and just fell into phils arms he cried and cried we yelled it was the worst moment of our lifes..... we stayed in the room for what seemed like hours and just cryed and cryed i remeber going into the toilet and just collopsing on the floor screaming no no i want my baby i want my baby.... we rang my mum and i heard her scream she has gone hasnt she she has gone... i couldnt talk all i wanted was her too move. we rung my best friend and again she screamed them screams i will remeber foreva..

we eventually went downstairs to wait for my mum i just sat there in silence looking at the pregnant woman coming and new mothers taking there babys home all i could do was stare and cry i was crushed..
we went back upstairs and talked to our consultant who had been with us the whole time i begged him to scan again just incase the first doctor had done it wrong i needed to be sure before i took that tablet that would end my pregnacy.. and again no heartbeat that was it she had gone our beautiful baby girl had gone.. i took the tablet and they told us thatlabour should start within 3 days and if it didnt then we should come back in 3 days to be induced ...

That drive home was the start of quiet drives we would have for a while....

My heart broke with yours that day my baby there will always be a empty part that will only be filled when we are together againx xxxx